Conclusive Proof That There Is No God

13 comments February 28th, 2005at 11:07pm Posted by Eli

In the course of waiting on hold for 30+ minutes for Verizon dial-up tech support (after waiting 20 minutes for Verizon DSL support because their voice recognition system is on crack), I was subjected to a sax-heavy, muzakal rendition (perhaps I should say extraordinary rendition, it was that bad) of… wait for it…

“I Like The Way You Move”.

So saxy it hu-urts.

Entry Filed under: Music


  • 1. V  |  February 28th, 2005 at 11:12 pm

    Outkast have been muzaked? Surely not.

  • 2. V  |  February 28th, 2005 at 11:13 pm

    Also: did you just make a Mambo Kurt reference, or am I imagining things?

  • 3. Eli  |  February 28th, 2005 at 11:17 pm

    Ohhh yes. It is bad bad wrong.

    Well, I was thinking of the original, but either way.

  • 4. NYMary  |  February 28th, 2005 at 11:51 pm

    At my gym, the music is, ya know, music I like (and own, in many cases: Oasis’s “Wonderwall,” Flock of Seagulls’ “I Ran,” Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love,”) but sung by women, and to a disco beat.

    This is what Fred called the “unheimlisch,” (possibly misspelled) which we translate as “uncanny,” but which really means “un-homelike.” Almost something you know, but not quite. And so creepy as hell.

  • 5. cereal breath  |  March 1st, 2005 at 12:07 am

    seems there are several distinct stages to the phone muzak experience.

    1. there is the inital “hey i know that song” moment
    2. this is quickly followed by the “ffffuuuuhhhck. i’m probably going to be listening to this shit on a loop forver” stage.
    3. next comes the “well, since i’m going to be hostage to this, i might as make the best of it.” this is where you start to feel the groove and maybe, just maybe even a little head bobbin’ happens.
    4. the song begins to slowly burrow a hole in your psyche, eggs are laid. for the next several days, as the eggs hatch, the song will continually haunt you.
    5. just at the moment when you are on the very edge of madness, a voice comes from the other side.
    6. then, in your excitement at speaking to a real human, you accidently kick the phonecord from the wall and have to call back.
    7. repeat step 1.

  • 6. Thersites  |  March 1st, 2005 at 12:20 am

    I’ve only had to get one set of dental fillings in my entire life. I sat down in the chair, they put novocaine in my gums, and then the dentist, right before he started the drill, told the hygeniest to put a tape into the sound system. it was Michael Bolton. So there I was getting my teeth drilled by a dentist singing along to Michael Bolton doing “Dock of the Bay.”

  • 7. Eli  |  March 1st, 2005 at 12:33 am

    I just don’t get the purpose of muzakification. There are *easy listening songs* (and disco songs) out there already! Why not just use *those* instead of bastardizing songs from a different genre altogether?

    That being said, the works of Richard Cheese, Black Velvet Flag, and Mambo Kurt are pleasing to me, and possibly even Ba’al.

    My own workplace uses unleavened Enya as the muzak of choice, which is fine with me. Was a bit jarring when I called up the company I ordered my camera from and got the exact same thing…

  • 8. Eli  |  March 1st, 2005 at 12:39 am

    Um, did he ask you “Is it safe?” at any point?

  • 9. NYMary  |  March 1st, 2005 at 5:49 am

    Uhhhh…. That “Fred” was obviously (or maybe not obviously) supposed to be “Freud.”

    Damn stubby fingers!

  • 10. ntodd  |  March 1st, 2005 at 5:17 pm

    Okay, I’m bored. Don’t tell me you’re done playing with the D70? Feed me, Seymour!

  • 11. Jeffraham Prestonian  |  March 1st, 2005 at 6:44 pm

    Seeing as how this seems to be one of the musically-hip blogs I frequent, may I impose upon you by doing some premier Attaturking of my inaugural Tuesday Music Challenge™?

  • 12. Eli  |  March 1st, 2005 at 7:34 pm

    Jeez, some people. Demands, demands, demands. The latest photoblogging (manual edition) is up and running, but I’m not entirely thrilled with it.

    Jeffraham, help yourself. I did some reciprocal blogpimping for Codename V. over at your place as well.

    Hopefully the mp3 will finish downloading before the contest is over…

  • 13. Jeffraham Prestonian  |  March 1st, 2005 at 7:42 pm

    eli — Heh… I hope the mp3 will download fast enough. It’s a 128kbps rip, and only 1:40 in length, but that’s still ~1.6MB.

    Checked out V.’s place… will keep an eye on it, and see if she’s in it for the long haul. Looks promising so far! Keep it up, V.!

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