Archive for May 29th, 2005

Saturday Sci-Fi Inventory, Part II

Saturday was a very good day for cheesy creature movies…

Snakehead Terror

Star Power: Bruce Boxleitner (Tron!), Carol Alt, Cancer Man from X-Files (also known as “Cigarette Smoking Man”, but that’s weak, and just too damn long).
Synopsis & Highlights: Human growth hormone dumped in the lake causes snakeheads to grow to carnivorous size (and by “carnivorous”, I mean, “man-eating”). Snakeheads eat bear. Snakeheads eat hunter’s dog. Snakeheads eat hunter. Snakeheads eat Sheriff Tron’s teenage daughter’s boyfriend. Hot Scientist Babe (Alt) shows up to help get to the bottom of the mysterious killings and limb-severings. (I counted two severed arms, two severed legs, and two severed heads. Awesome.)

Sheriff Tron’s daughter vows revenge on snakeheads and goes on snakehead-hunting expedition with her friends (Hey, kids! Underage drinking and giant carnivorous snakehead hunting do not mix!). Snakehead-hunting expedition goes horribly awry, and the survivors end up holed up in a house with some partially-eaten snakehead victims (did I mention that snakeheads can breathe air and travel over land?). They leave the house, get chased by snakeheads, and go back in the house again, but it’s now infested with and surrounded by snakeheads. One of the teenagers gets his head partially eaten during the epic battle against the snakeheads, and his girlfriend’s upset.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Tron and Hot Scientist Babe discover that the coroner (Cancer Man) and his brother were the ones dumping the human growth hormone, to improve the fishing and tourism, and they didn’t know there were snakeheads, or that human growth hormone would make them carnivorous. Oh, and there’s a giant whale-sized snakehead lurking in the lake, too. They manage to find the house with the two remaining teens, who Hot Scientist Babe rescues using a taser-on-a-stick. Then they apply the same principle on a larger scale, dropping a live power line into the lake to electrocute the whale-sized snakehead while Sheriff Tron shoots at it from a burning pier. I don’t think Sheriff Tron and Hot Scientist Babe hook up, and I feel vaguely unfulfilled.

Dinocroc

Star Power: Costas Mandylor, Bruce Weitz, Charles Napier, Joanna Pacula.
Synopsis & Highlights: Slick, unscrupulous genetic research company creates some kind of super-dinocrocodile for reasons that are completely unclear. Baby dinocroc eats semi-hot scientist babe (and she had just flashed a whole bunch of leg at Bruce Weitz, too!) and escapes. Suddenly full-sized dinocroc bursts out of the water and eats a guy, leaving just a red mist and his lower legs. Awesome. Plus he was apparently trying to feed a three-legged dog to it, so he had it comin’.

Hot Animal Control Babe meets kid looking for his three-legged dog, and it turns out she’s had a thing for his dad, Dreamy Artist Man, since they were kids. She’s also too compassionate to put any animals to sleep, which becomes a minor plot point later. Anyway, she and Dreamy Artist Man chase after the three-legged dog, but they can’t catch it, so they have a splash fight. Bruce Weitz races the dinocroc in his speedboat directly at them, then starts yelling and shooting at them, so they whack him over the head and abduct him in her truck. He tells them about the dinocroc and gives them a tour of the slick, unscrupulous genetic research company (remember this tried-and-true technique if you ever want a tour of a genetics company).

Before he gets eaten, Bruce Weitz and Joanna Pacula hire (and I’m not sure if we see this, or if it’s only revealed at the end) Haunted Aussie Crocodile Hunter (Costas Mandylor, who has dreams/flashbacks of someone trying to get out of a crocodile’s belly – we later learn that a dinocroc ate his kid) to hunt down the dinocroc. Unlike in Sabretooth, they seem to be okay with him killing it, ’cause it’s bad PR for their monster to be out there killing people, and I think they can pretty easily make more.

Anyway, I wasn’t watching this one all that closely – I think Haunted Aussie Crocodile Hunter unsuccessfully tries to hit on Hot Animal Control Babe, Hot Animal Control Babe’s sheriff dad (Napier) decks Dreamy Artist Man (again, I didn’t see it, so they could have been talking about something from back when they were kids…), and the dinocroc eats Dreamy Artist Man’s kid (or little brother; I wasn’t clear on this) and his bike when the kid sneaks out to look for the three-legged dog while his dad is hooking up with Hot Animal Control Babe. I guess some other people get eaten, but I don’t really remember seeing any.

On to the Genius Dinocroc-Killing Plan! Which is to lure the Dinocroc into a tunnel, close both ends, and pump in Deadly Gas. What are they using as bait? Why, the dogs from the pound, of course! Hot Animal Control Babe won’t stand for it, so her sheriff dad fires her and arrests her and Dreamy Artist Man. They escape while Haunted Aussie Crocodile Hunter distracts the sheriff with his strange Aussie vocabulary, and start freeing the dogs and fending off the dinocroc with a welding torch. Then Haunted Aussie Crocodile Hunter goes a bit crazy and tries to lure Dinocroc into the tunnel himself by taunting it with a knife. Did I mention that the dinocroc is bipedal?

All the dogs and people make it through and out of the tunnel, they trap the dinocroc and gas it until it stops making noises, and then Joanna Pacula shows up with a TV crew to take credit for her company’s bold and decisive action to resolve the maneating dinocroc situation. Not-dead-after-all dinocroc wakes up and eats Joanna Pacula, so Dreamy Artist Man and Hot Animal Control Babe have to lure it in front of a train, and Dreamy Artist Man delivers the coup de grace with a metal pipe. Then they drive off into the sunset, and we see a dinocroc roaming the land, but it’s unclear whether it’s a new dinocroc, or if the first one is like Dino-Jason Voorhees.

Threshold

Star Power: Nicholas Lea (Krycek from X-Files), Jamie Luner.
Highlights & Synopsis: I missed the very beginning, so I had to piece some of this together. Astronaut’s space capsule apparently gets hit by a meteor or something, which either has Alien Moths or Alien DNA that combines with Earth Moths. Krycek is some kind of government troubleshooter/risk containment guy, and when he goes to check up on the astronaut in the hospital, the astronaut is dead, and his fingers have turned into cocoons, which Alien DNA Moths fly out of and escape. He may also have some flaps in his side where extra arms may have been about to grow out of. Krycek consults with Hot Bug Expert (Luner), who is very concerned about Mystery Gene in Alien Moth DNA whose purpose is unknown – and because insect evolution is very efficient, the Mystery Gene must have a purpose, and it must be sinister and evil.

At cookout, Henpecked Husband gets attacked by Alien Moths which bite the shit out of his hand. Shrewish Wife and Malicious Sister-In-Law make fun of him. Then he disappears for a few days. When he comes back, he’s part Alien Moth and grabs Malicious Sister-In-Law with his new Alien Bug Claws and sucks out her innards with his proboscis. We later learn that everyone with B-Negative blood is being turned into Alien Moth-People, and everyone else is proboscis food. Alien Moth-People, now led by Henpecked Alien Moth-Husband, have vague plan that involves swarming and eating all the non-B-Negative people, but they need a lot of wind. Why? I don’t know – I guess they wanted to give Grizzled Alien Moth-Sea-Captain some extra lines. Henpecked Alien Moth-Husband also sucks out his Shrewish Wife’s innards as well.

Anyway, they figure out where the Alien Moth-People are, and stage a massive government raid on it and kill the Alien Moth-People before they can swarm. Hot Bug Expert shoots her brother’s girlfriend in the head because she’s an Alien Moth-Person, and Krycek tasers Henpecked Alien Moth-Husband to death. Or maybe I’m thinking of Alien Fury, who knows. Anyway, Krycek and Hot Bug Expert save the day, and Intense Government Honcho gives them the Secret Code To Not Blow Everything Up before he dies from the giant metal pipe Henpecked Alien Moth-Husband put through his torso. Then Krycek and Hot Bug Expert hook up, and frolic around on the beach. Huzzah!

5 comments May 29th, 2005 at 02:46am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Movies

Saturday Sci-Fi Inventory, Part I

On to the Saturday Sci-Fi movies! Looks like there’s enough material that I need two posts to contain all of the exciting monster goodness.

Gargantua

Star Power: Adam Baldwin, the Baldwin who is not actually a Baldwin. As with Richard Grieco, sufficient wattage to illuminate an entire film all by his lonesome.
Synopsis & Highlights: Widowered seismologist (Baldwin) on tropical island. Neglected son befriends wee Gadzooky-like creature that likes cheesy poofs. Large T-Rex-like creature that runs funny (both feet leaving the ground simultaneously just looks wrong) pops beachball and attempts to eat a kid. T-Rex-like creature is captured and identified by Seismologist Dad as some sort of giant salamander, and is able to discern its sex from its markings despite the fact that no-one has ever seen one of these things before. Seismologist Dad later refers to it as “Superlizard.”

Evil Bad Exploiters attempt to steal the giant salamander, but succeed only in wounding it. A Godzilla-size giant salamander then shows up and goes on Godzilla-like rampage, which includes stepping on a rowboat and accidentally flipping it right at the soldier about to shoot a rocket at him. They then use Gadzooky to lure Salamanderzilla back, and kill it with a rocket launcher. Everyone is inexplicably shocked and mortified by this turn of events, and Gadzooky is traumatized. But wait, there’s more! That was just the Momzilla giant salamander! Dadzilla is still out there, and not happy. Because everyone feels so sad about killing Momzilla, they concoct an elaborate, incoherent plan that involves luring Dadzilla out to sea with Gadzooky, a mic, and an underwater speaker, then having the military blow something up so he can’t come back. Seismologist Kid has a brief heartfelt underwater farewell with Gadzooky, and observes the parallels between the motherless giant salamander family and his own. And the Evil Bad Exploiters get blown up and/or eaten. Oh, and there’s some woman who appears occasionally, who Seismologist Dad never seems to really quite hook up with. Oh well.

Sabretooth

Star Power: Vanessa Angel (Kingpin), Gimli, David Keith, Sawyer from Lost. Wow, it’s, like, an all-star ensemble cast!
Synopsis & Highlights: Heartless Scientist Babe (Angel) and Unscrupulous Financier (Gimli) create Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger from fossil DNA, in hopes of winning Nobel Prize and making billions of dollars, respectively. I dunno, something to do with accelerating therapeutic organ cloning – I guess a sabretooth tiger was just obviously the most logical choice of experimental subject for a growth-accelerating hormone. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger eats janitor. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger escapes when truck carrying it crashes. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger eats truck driver. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger eats married couple.

Meanwhile, a Motley Crew Of Trainee Hiking Guides led by a Hot Hiking Guide Babe does some hiking, changing clothes at least twice on a four-hour hike. Motley Crew is comprised of Sawyer from Lost; his equally horny military buddy; Asthmatic Nerd Boy (how do we know he’s not one of the nitrogen-breathing space aliens from yesterday?); and Slutty Teenager. Sawyer’s military buddy is also the obligatory black-guy-who-gets-killed, and even wears a red shirt to really drive the point home. However, unlike most horror movie black-guys-who-get-killed, this guy seems to be actively trying to get himself killed – There’s the clowning-around-on-the-rock-ledge, the Hey-let’s-check-out-the-spooky-cave, and best of all, the I-will-fight-the-giant-Bad-CGI-Sabretooth-Tiger-with-a pair-of-knives! As you might imagine, he finally succeeds with that last one.

Back to Heartless Scientist Babe and Unscrupulous Financier, who hire Nerdy Paleontologist Woman and Mighty Big Game Hunter (Keith) to help them track and capture Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger (Heartless Scientist Babe is very emphatic that they must take Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger alive, and later has impassioned rant about how inhumane traps are, and how the maneating Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger deserves a chance at life). They find the house of the married couple Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger ate earlier, where Heartless Scientist Babe throws away the cellphone so they can’t call the police, and tells the not-quite-so-completely-eaten-after-all wife to get the hell away and keep her dyin’ to herself. Later on we have amusing exchange where Nerdy Paleontologist Woman rants at Heartless Scientist Babe about how dangerous Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger is, and how it could be right behind her without her even knowing it… and it is!

Asthmatic Nerd Boy makes truly pathetic pass at Slutty Teenager, Slutty Teenager takes her top off and almost gets eaten while fooling around with Sawyer, Asthmatic Nerd Boy gets eaten on a bathroom break, the two groups meet up with each other, everyone gets eaten except Mighty Big Game Hunter, Heartless Scientist Babe, Hot Hiking Guide Babe, and Sawyer. Heartless Scientist Babe attempts to warn Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger away (Um, hello? It’s a predator? And a cat to boot?), and gets dragged off and eaten. Then the Mighty Big Game Hunter kills it with a big stick, and Sawyer and Hot Hiking Guide Babe hook up. I love happy endings!

4 comments May 29th, 2005 at 12:58am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Movies


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