Saturday Sci-Fi Inventory, Part I

4 comments May 29th, 2005at 12:58am Posted by Eli

On to the Saturday Sci-Fi movies! Looks like there’s enough material that I need two posts to contain all of the exciting monster goodness.

Gargantua

Star Power: Adam Baldwin, the Baldwin who is not actually a Baldwin. As with Richard Grieco, sufficient wattage to illuminate an entire film all by his lonesome.
Synopsis & Highlights: Widowered seismologist (Baldwin) on tropical island. Neglected son befriends wee Gadzooky-like creature that likes cheesy poofs. Large T-Rex-like creature that runs funny (both feet leaving the ground simultaneously just looks wrong) pops beachball and attempts to eat a kid. T-Rex-like creature is captured and identified by Seismologist Dad as some sort of giant salamander, and is able to discern its sex from its markings despite the fact that no-one has ever seen one of these things before. Seismologist Dad later refers to it as “Superlizard.”

Evil Bad Exploiters attempt to steal the giant salamander, but succeed only in wounding it. A Godzilla-size giant salamander then shows up and goes on Godzilla-like rampage, which includes stepping on a rowboat and accidentally flipping it right at the soldier about to shoot a rocket at him. They then use Gadzooky to lure Salamanderzilla back, and kill it with a rocket launcher. Everyone is inexplicably shocked and mortified by this turn of events, and Gadzooky is traumatized. But wait, there’s more! That was just the Momzilla giant salamander! Dadzilla is still out there, and not happy. Because everyone feels so sad about killing Momzilla, they concoct an elaborate, incoherent plan that involves luring Dadzilla out to sea with Gadzooky, a mic, and an underwater speaker, then having the military blow something up so he can’t come back. Seismologist Kid has a brief heartfelt underwater farewell with Gadzooky, and observes the parallels between the motherless giant salamander family and his own. And the Evil Bad Exploiters get blown up and/or eaten. Oh, and there’s some woman who appears occasionally, who Seismologist Dad never seems to really quite hook up with. Oh well.

Sabretooth

Star Power: Vanessa Angel (Kingpin), Gimli, David Keith, Sawyer from Lost. Wow, it’s, like, an all-star ensemble cast!
Synopsis & Highlights: Heartless Scientist Babe (Angel) and Unscrupulous Financier (Gimli) create Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger from fossil DNA, in hopes of winning Nobel Prize and making billions of dollars, respectively. I dunno, something to do with accelerating therapeutic organ cloning – I guess a sabretooth tiger was just obviously the most logical choice of experimental subject for a growth-accelerating hormone. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger eats janitor. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger escapes when truck carrying it crashes. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger eats truck driver. Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger eats married couple.

Meanwhile, a Motley Crew Of Trainee Hiking Guides led by a Hot Hiking Guide Babe does some hiking, changing clothes at least twice on a four-hour hike. Motley Crew is comprised of Sawyer from Lost; his equally horny military buddy; Asthmatic Nerd Boy (how do we know he’s not one of the nitrogen-breathing space aliens from yesterday?); and Slutty Teenager. Sawyer’s military buddy is also the obligatory black-guy-who-gets-killed, and even wears a red shirt to really drive the point home. However, unlike most horror movie black-guys-who-get-killed, this guy seems to be actively trying to get himself killed – There’s the clowning-around-on-the-rock-ledge, the Hey-let’s-check-out-the-spooky-cave, and best of all, the I-will-fight-the-giant-Bad-CGI-Sabretooth-Tiger-with-a pair-of-knives! As you might imagine, he finally succeeds with that last one.

Back to Heartless Scientist Babe and Unscrupulous Financier, who hire Nerdy Paleontologist Woman and Mighty Big Game Hunter (Keith) to help them track and capture Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger (Heartless Scientist Babe is very emphatic that they must take Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger alive, and later has impassioned rant about how inhumane traps are, and how the maneating Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger deserves a chance at life). They find the house of the married couple Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger ate earlier, where Heartless Scientist Babe throws away the cellphone so they can’t call the police, and tells the not-quite-so-completely-eaten-after-all wife to get the hell away and keep her dyin’ to herself. Later on we have amusing exchange where Nerdy Paleontologist Woman rants at Heartless Scientist Babe about how dangerous Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger is, and how it could be right behind her without her even knowing it… and it is!

Asthmatic Nerd Boy makes truly pathetic pass at Slutty Teenager, Slutty Teenager takes her top off and almost gets eaten while fooling around with Sawyer, Asthmatic Nerd Boy gets eaten on a bathroom break, the two groups meet up with each other, everyone gets eaten except Mighty Big Game Hunter, Heartless Scientist Babe, Hot Hiking Guide Babe, and Sawyer. Heartless Scientist Babe attempts to warn Bad CGI Sabretooth Tiger away (Um, hello? It’s a predator? And a cat to boot?), and gets dragged off and eaten. Then the Mighty Big Game Hunter kills it with a big stick, and Sawyer and Hot Hiking Guide Babe hook up. I love happy endings!

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Movies

4 Comments

  • 1. ntodd  |  May 29th, 2005 at 8:39 am

    No sci-fi monster movie would be complete without a good hookup at the end. That’s prolly the most disappointing thing about Gargantua, and why Sabretooth Tiger kicks the salamander’s ass in the final analysis.

  • 2. Charlotte Smith  |  May 29th, 2005 at 12:59 pm

    Yay! Now I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything. Go recaps!

  • 3. oldwhitelady  |  May 29th, 2005 at 2:34 pm

    I refuse to get cable. I guess I’ll have to rent them to understand what all the cool kids are talking about:(

  • 4. oldwhitelady  |  May 29th, 2005 at 2:39 pm

    Sorry, I made that last comment without, totally, reading your post. Ahhhhh.. Satisfaction. You’ve done an excellent job explaining the movies. Sooo funny, but I bet the movie wasn’t supposed to be funny.


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