I Blame Gay Marriage.

9 comments February 19th, 2006at 01:59pm Posted by Eli

From The Smoking Gun, by way of NTodd and watertiger, a completely and utterly insane “Contract of Wifely Expectations,” which is alarmingly specific about how and when pubic hair is to be shaved, timing of nakedness (within 20 minutes after the kids are in bed), expected sexual practices, periods of utter subservience called “Me-Time,” and what actions can be used to earn “Good Behavior Days,” or “GBDs,” that would allow the wife to get out of some of her obligations for a day. Be sure to note the font used in the section headings, and the fact that the wife is required to be in her “sleepwear” (generally either skimpy lingerie or nothing at all) before she can attempt to renegotiate any terms of the “contract.”

The whole thing reads like some kind of twisted adolescent sexual fantasy of what the ideal marriage would be like, which is how I think it started out. It’s so elaborate and well-thought-out (in a psychotic, detached-from-reality kind of way) that I think he just kept refining it and embellishing it over the years, and never took a step back far enough to realize that it was pathological, and not what normal adults expect from their wives. On the other hand, he is clearly one of those guys who loves sex but hates women, so maybe he just didn’t care, and figured hey, it’s worth a shot.

I suppose the wife deserves some credit for not signing the thing, but why on Earth would she not head for the hills the second her husband put this mad document in front of her? Isn’t there some minimum level of self-esteem required to keep the heart pumping and the lungs breathing?

Entry Filed under: Wankers,Weirdness


  • 1. Tena  |  February 19th, 2006 at 2:44 pm

    She probably believed she could change him once they were married.

  • 2. flory  |  February 19th, 2006 at 2:50 pm

    There are no minimum self esteem levels, as any battered wife can testify.

    I’m with Tena. She thought he was a ‘good guy’ except for this one little quirk and thought she could change him after they were married. Especially when he apparently didn’t insist she sign it.

  • 3. Eli  |  February 19th, 2006 at 3:08 pm

    I’m actually not sure whether she was presented with this before or after the marriage. I don’t know if the 9/05 date on it represents when she received it, or when she presented it as evidence.

    The NY Daily News article I read on this suggested they were already married when he presented it to her, and the kids certainly do not sound hypothetical.

    I think maybe she decided to stick with him “for the good of the children.” Sigh.

  • 4. Eli  |  February 19th, 2006 at 3:09 pm

    And I really have a hard time imagining any woman being able to believe that this guy is fixable, at least in the non-veterinary sense.

  • 5. scout prime  |  February 19th, 2006 at 11:53 pm

    That guy is so sick. I wanted to shower just reading it. I don’t know how she was able to deal with him

  • 6. Jenn S.  |  February 20th, 2006 at 8:50 am

    Dude, there is wrongness there that I can’t even begin to describe in words…perhaps interperetive dance would do it.

    There isn’t a minimum of self-esteem or really sense required for human life. Which is sad in so many ways.

    (By the way, this is Jenn, Bill’s ex-wife and your former coworker from Mellon)

  • 7. Eli  |  February 20th, 2006 at 1:44 pm

    Whoa. Hey, Jenn, long time no see!

  • 8. Jenn  |  February 20th, 2006 at 5:05 pm

    I was talking to Bill online and he hooked me up with your journal. I’ve missed you, dude. Life changed muchly :-)

  • 9. Anonymous  |  February 20th, 2006 at 7:17 pm

    can we take up a collection to have him neutered???? or maybe we can have his sex changed and force him to live out his contract from the other side? i’ll chip in!

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