Archive for June 14th, 2006

Spam Trigger

I know, I’m being frivolous and apolitical today, but hey, I was super-wonky yesterday, and it’s my blog, dammit. And right now I have to focus my loins and gird my brain for the intensity-packed pressure-cooker of intensity that is Wednesday Night Softball. In fact, it is such an epic contest of wills that we do not even keep score, lest such mundane detail distract us from the purity of the competition.

Umm, what was I talking about? Oh yes, spam. I have rather a lot of it. A towering backlog of blogworthy spam snippets, goofy fake names, and literature/poetry/haiku, which I’ve been sitting on, meaning to do something about for months now, but never quite got around to. I think I just needed a catalyst to jolt me into action, and today I finally got one.

I don’t want to get your hopes up, it’s not brilliant epic poetry, but it was just able to meet the minimum threshold of bizarre non-sequiturdom to trip my blogging circuits.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Marshall Whitlock’s provocatively titled “Fwd: ?”:

“I suppose I do. Absorptive deed would like murderous, so OK murd.

I think the moral here is that Absorptive deed kills.

(I told you it wasn’t that great.)

Oookay, moving on.

Some poetic spam slices contributed by Virgil/hisstoryman:

*clears throat*

“Much libertarian in diploidy”

“But abscissae it’s passe”

“Fannie not mindanao”

They just kind of… hang in the air, fraught with unmeaning.

And finally, last and probably least, some spam literature, which I suspect is probably another excerpt from Misery:

“The pinned rat squeaked feebly, and snapped at the air. Buzzard disruption If she was dead he would die in here, a rat in a dry trap.
I’ve had no undertaker and I will have no undertaker to come in and rouge my darling and paint her like a doll!

I think perhaps maybe it got jumbled together with something else, like a Deadwood script or something…

Stay tuned, for I have many many nonsensical spammer names, of the Batshit R. Testicles variety.

I, ah, think I may be a bit loopy today.

June 14th, 2006 at 05:32pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Spamoptikon

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Dude, this could totally happen:

ALL of Hollywood is abuzz with the incredible rumor that an actual Bigfoot will join the cast of the hit HBO series The Sopranos playing a mob boss called Biggy the Foot.


Weekly World News has acquired a copy of the script, in which Biggy the Foot arrives in New Jersey to challenge Tony Soprano’s power and position. There is also a romantic sub-plot in which Biggy the Foot seduces Tony’s wife, Carmela, when Tony is away at the Bada Bing nightclub. As Carmela melts into his arms, he growls, “Once you’ve tried Biggy the Foot, you can never go back.” Later, Tony confronts Carmella, screaming at her, “What is it — I’m not @#*$%& hairy enough for you!?”

In another powerful scene, Tony and Biggy the Foot meet for the first time:

Tony: What is it you want, Biggy, you fat @#*$%&!?

Biggy: You know what I want, Soprano. I want your territory, your house, your wife, and your daughter. You can keep your @#*$%& son.

Tony: (DRAWING GUN) You want the first bullet through your head or through your @#*$%& @#*$%&!?

Although the Bigfoot is a relative newcomer to dramatic TV roles, he is by no means a newcomer to show business. His resume includes years of work in community theater. He has also worked as a street musician, a mime at several Renaissance Fairs, a fire-eater and as a juggler for spare change in the park.

In preparation for his first major dramatic role, Bigfoot has been studying with famed Hollywood acting coach Miles Duvalier. He is also watching many classic gangster films, studying the stars’ techniques.

“I especially admire the early work of George Raft, Edward G. Robinson, and Humphrey Bogart,” reveals the Bigfoot. “And more recently, I learned a lot from observing Brando in The Godfather and Pacino in Scarface.”

As this next season will most likely be the final one for The Sopranos, there is talk of spinning Bigfoot off into his own series. “I’d love to do something light — perhaps a sitcom,” the Bigfoot confides. “Maybe one where I play the dad. And if Kirstie Alley is available to play my wife — she’s the perfect size for me.”

I might have to start watching The Sopranos now. I wonder if Bigfoot could get a spot on Deadwood

5 comments June 14th, 2006 at 07:45am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Weekly World News


Seth “Family Guy” McFarlane addresses Harvard grads as Stewie the diabolical genius baby. Uneven, but some of it is just brilliant.

And if that’s not enough, you can also see him as himself, Peter Griffin, and Glenn Quagmire.

Huge hat tip to Lovely Silleigh at Eschaton.

1 comment June 14th, 2006 at 01:11am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Monday Media Blogging

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