Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

3 comments July 26th, 2006at 07:37am Posted by Eli

When life hands you demons, make demonade!

HAVE demons been talking to you lately? Don’t panic! You can learn loads of valuable information from the chatty minions of Satan — including tidbits about future business trends you can use to get rich!

That’s the claim of a controversial Bible scholar, who suggests that before phoning an exorcist, you milk demons for all they’re worth.

“About 95 percent of what demons say should be ignored — for example, if they tell you to drown your children,” explains Albert Wiltex, author of the upcoming book, How to Use Demonic Chatter to Improve Your Life.

“But 5 percent is news you can use. Remember, demons exist outside of normal time — they know a lot about the past as well as the future.

“If you skillfully manipulate them, you can get them to slip up and reveal information you can use to become rich, learn what your neighbors are up to and uncover potential family problems.”

(…)

“Most of what the demons said was blasphemous gibberish,” he reveals. “But I also found intriguing nuggets of information — including the names of hot companies like Microsoft long before they existed.”

Here, are some tips on tricking demons into spilling the beans:

1 STRING THE DEMON ALONG — If the evil entity asks you to sell your soul to Satan, feign interest to keep it talking as long as possible.

2 FOLLOW UP ON CLUES — If the demon promises that surrendering to Lucifer will make you the richest person in the world in 10 years, nonchalantly ask who the second richest will be then.

“Later do an Internet search for the name,” suggests Wiltex. “If you find it’s a young entrepreneur, invest in his fledgling business.”

3 PRAISE FOLKS YOU WANT TO SNOOP ON — If you tell the demon your boss is an “upstanding Christian” who says the Devil is full of lies, the demon might shoot back, “He’s boinking Judy in accounting” — a useful fact to have in your pocket next time you ask for a raise.

(…)

4 ALWAYS CORROBORATE — “If the demon says your wife is cheating on you, don’t take it as gospel,” says Wiltex. “Before you go for your shotgun, hire a private detective to make sure.”

(…)

“Demons are irrational, hatred-driven spirits almost incapable of logic,” he points out. “It’s not hard to outsmart them.”

That sounds awesome! Where I can find an inorcist?

(On a side note: Multi Medium is the number one search result for warning i am stud next to a ringtone wanker – so consider yourselves warned)

Entry Filed under: Eli's Obsession With The Google,Weekly World News

3 Comments

  • 1. karmic_jay  |  July 26th, 2006 at 8:26 am

    LOL!

  • 2. Jeffraham Prestonian  |  July 26th, 2006 at 3:36 pm

    “Demonade.” I love it.

    I have seen you not at Eschaton. Thought I’d check in.
    .

  • 3. Eli  |  July 26th, 2006 at 4:27 pm

    Thanks, Jeffro! Good to see ya! I kinda burned out, and Jane seduced me over to FDL with her non-sweaty liberal feminine wiles.


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