Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

2 comments August 9th, 2006at 07:34am Posted by Eli

WWN reports on an inspiring real-life superhero:

A NEW super-hero has come to the aid of terrified citizens in crime-infested Los Angeles. The police have nicknamed him Wedgie Man, because he sneaks up on perpetrators and gives them a mighty wedgie they’ll never forget.

Even though Wedgie Man’s actions are illegal, police throughout the state are secretly rooting for the red-caped, masked vigilante. “He’s like Charles Bronson in Death Wish, only without the killing and maiming. He makes low-life thugs think twice before they snatch a purse or pick some unsuspecting tourist’s pocket. They never know when Wedgie Man will sneak up behind them and yank their underwear high into that place where the sun don’t shine,” says one police spokesman.

(…)

“Because of him, I quit mugging sightseers at the La Brea Tar Pits,” says Noel Schmelling, 34. “I’ll never forget that Sunday morning when I was taking this old geezer’s watch and dentures. Suddenly, I felt a hand grab the elastic band of my underwear. Then my heart nearly stopped beating as the guy yanked and pulled until I nearly lost consciousness.

“The whole horrible incident is kind of blurry, but I remember him saying in a high-pitched voice, ‘Next time you’ll get an atomic wedgie!’ Sweet Moses . . . that was enough to end my life of crime. I enrolled in electrolysis college the very next day and never even thought about mugging anyone again.”

Since Wedgie Man made his first appearance in June 2004, police estimate that he has struck at least 50 times. “He’s unstoppable,” liquor store owner Curtis Zittleman says.

“I saw the masked dude perform a rare feat — he gave two punks who’d just robbed my store simultaneous hanging wedgies. They screamed like sissy boys when Wedgie Man pulled them up off the ground and hung them on a chain-link fence by the waistbands of their underwear. They were wailing like babies when police arrived.”

After Wedgie Man prevented a 350-pound gorilla of a goon from stealing her prized 1969 Ford Pinto by giving him a double- handed power wedgie, Sheila Lepke, 89, shared a prune Danish with her hero. “Aren’t you afraid of armed criminals?” she asked.

“Wedgie Man just shook his head,” Lepke remembers. “And then he said, ‘Criminals, shmiminals. Evildoers with guns, clubs, knives and surface-to-air missiles don’t scare me. It is they who should fear me, for I possess the most lethal weapon of all: The wedgie. And if the situation deteriorates and I need to bolster my assault, I am also a master of the dreaded noogie and the despised wet willy.”

The world has just become a safer place.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

2 Comments

  • 1. karmic_jay  |  August 9th, 2006 at 10:40 am

    Is it a bird? No it’s flying wedgie man!

  • 2. Eli  |  August 9th, 2006 at 12:44 pm

    Who will prevail when he faces his formidable archenemy, Captain Swirly?


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