Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

3 comments August 30th, 2006at 07:22am Posted by Eli

I’m pretty sure this is what the Bush administration is hoping for:

For years, the United States military has been exploring various ways of improving its arsenal. Only recently, however, did Weekly World News learn exclusively of the existence of a top-secret branch called the Magic Militia.

“We seek out materials and weapons with supernatural properties that can give us an edge,” said Sgt. Frank Wand.

In July, the Magic Militia managed to collect a potentially invaluable tool that would dramatically increase the military’s offensive power….

“We’ve obtained a small amount of pixie dust,” confided Sergeant Wand. “I can’t tell you the precise location from which it was recovered. Suffice to say we flew our choppers toward the second star on the right and then straight on till morning. We took some casualties from pirates, but the pixie herself was dispatched with a carefully hidden bomb.

…Dr. Al Chemy first tested the dust on lab mice. After he sprinkled a small amount on the rodents they began to bounce all over their cages — the sides and the top.

“They also sneezed a lot,” he said. “The mice were able to defy gravity,” Dr. Chemy went on. “If we can duplicate this powder we could overcome all kinds of limitations on the battlefield. Tanks could sail over obstacles too difficult to drive across. Jeeps wouldn’t have to worry about getting sand in the engine when crossing desert terrain. Swampland and jungles would no longer be an impasse.”

But the dust is considered to be most valuable to the infantry.

“Imagine thousands of troops soaring through the skies just by ‘wishing it,’ ” said Sergeant Wand. “Flying soldiers would have an incredible tactical advantage before and during combat operations.”

Unfortunately, scientists have not yet succeeded in replicating the small amount of pixie dust they’ve obtained.

“We made a prototype powder which permits flight but not control,” said Dr. Chemy. “It seems there’s a component to pixie dust which allows the flyer to will himself to move in one direction or another. In fact, just getting the volunteers down has proved to be quite a problem. We’ve had to use butterfly nets and bolos, which are very undignified.”

While the pixie dust is being prepped, the Magic Militia is also searching for a crystal ball.

“It would save a lot of American lives if we could spot the enemy in their lair and take them out,” said Ward. “While we’ve been over the rainbow and back, we’ve had no luck so far.”

I guess the government’s supernatural outreach program is starting to pay off.

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Weekly World News


  • 1. spork_incident  |  August 30th, 2006 at 9:09 am

    The irony is this sounds like something DARPA would actually attempt.


  • 2. karmic_jay  |  August 30th, 2006 at 2:19 pm

    behold the flying krischun soldiers!!

  • 3. Eli  |  August 30th, 2006 at 3:02 pm

    We will be greeted with flowers and magical pixie dust, which we will use to summon the Happy Democracy Fairies.

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