Archive for September 13th, 2006

Operation “We Meant To Do That” Continues

Diane at cab drollery spots an interesting bit of spin from our intrepid Homeland Security Czar:

Osama bin Laden, Mr. Chertoff said, has made it clear that scaring the United States into an unsustainable spending spree is one of his aims. In a 2004 video, Mr. bin Laden, the Qaeda leader, spoke of “bleeding America to the point of bankruptcy.” “He understood that one tool he had in waging war against the United States was to drive us crazy, into bankruptcy, trying to defend ourselves against every conceivable threat,” Mr. Chertoff said at a hearing of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee. “We have to be realistic about what we expect and what we do. We do have limits, and we do have choices to make.”

(…)

Mr. Chertoff said his message was not political, but simply a recognition of reality and the tough choices he must make.

Moving ahead will require billions of dollars in spending to finish installation of radiation detection equipment at ports by next year, build fences or high-tech barriers at borders to control illegal immigration, enhance railroad safety programs and install new explosives detection equipment at airports.

(…)

But the list of initiatives cannot be limitless, Mr. Chertoff said. A mandate, for example, that every cargo container headed into the United States be X-rayed and subject to a radiation scan before it leaves a foreign port to search for a possible nuclear bomb is not now feasible, he said.

So, basically, the insidiously diabolical Osama bin Laden is trying to trick us into securing our ports and plants, but Chertoff and the Bush administration are too canny and resolute to fall into his clever trap:

Mr. Chertoff, since he was named secretary in February 2005, has talked of the need to make spending risk-based, but his department has also been lambasted for compiling a list of possible targets that included a petting zoo, a bourbon festival and a popcorn factory, while at the same time it cut antiterrorism grants to high-risk cities like Washington and New York.

Thank God we have a government that knows how to focus on the bare essentials, and which understands that the only truly effective strategies against terror are unnecessary wars and tax cuts. Although, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that dismantling Social Security would be a dagger to the heart that al Qaeda would never recover from.

4 comments September 13th, 2006 at 10:20pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Bush,Favorites,Politics,Republicans,Terrorism,Wankers

More Fun With Google

In the top 5 or 6 results for disturbing moments, and (I am particularly proud of this one) #1 result for simultaneous wedgies.

Yes, that’s right: If you type in simultaneous wedgies and then click “I’m feeling lucky”, it should take you right to my blog. Which I think is as it should be.

2 comments September 13th, 2006 at 01:02pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Eli's Obsession With The Google

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Well, I’m sure this will come in handy…

THE RESULTS of an exciting new survey reveal the 10 best opening lines most effective in convincing a Republican woman to offer a man a night of bed-pounding, backscratching, hot monkey love!

…”In addition to the opening lines, we discovered a number of surprising insights,” reveals Dr. Leland. “For instance, three times as many Democrat men as Republicans want to sleep with Republican women.

“When we asked them why, the Democrats responded that they had a strong urge to do to these women what the Republican party is doing to the country.”

Here are the survey’s 10 best opening lines to get Republican women in bed:

1 You know, in this light you look like you could be Laura Bush’s younger, more desirable sister.

2 Sorry if I seem aggravated — I’m still upset about that world-class jerk, Michael Moore.

3 Allow me to buy you a drink. After all, thanks to our beloved President, the economy has never been better!

4 I’d love to hang out with you, but I can’t make it a late night — I’m shipping out to Falluja in the morning.

5 The tattoo on my manhood spells “RAN.” But when I get excited, it spells “REPUBLICAN.”

6 To see you naked, I would turn in my own mother to the Department of Homeland Security.

7 If I had to choose between having a Republican President in the White House for the rest of this century, or never being able to see your cleavage again, I’d be stumped.

8 I’m all for No Child Left Behind. I’m even more for your child-like behind.

9 Just as the Republican Party boldly confronts big challenges, nothing would please me more than you confronting the big challenge rapidly growing right now in my pants.

10 Because of President Bush’s leadership, we are strong; because of his vision, we will be even stronger; and because I can’t stop thinking about your ass, I haven’t been able to stand up for the last half hour.

I think the last three are definitely the best. Totally can’t-miss.

4 comments September 13th, 2006 at 12:59am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Republicans,Weekly World News


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