Worshipping The Crystal Methiah

8 comments November 3rd, 2006at 05:38pm Posted by Eli

Alternate Titles: “God Bless This Meth,” “Gaydenfreude.”

Oh, okay, so the hard-right homophobic evangelical leader is merely a drug addict. Just so long as he isn’t gay…

The Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals and one of the nation’s most influential Christian leaders, admitted today that he had purchased the illegal drug methamphetamine from a gay escort in Denver, but denied that he ever had sex with the man.

Mr. Haggard resigned as president of the evangelical association and stepped aside as senior pastor of the New Life mega-church in Colorado Springs, Colo., on Thursday after Michael Forest Jones, a self-described former gay prostitute, accused him of having a sexual affair for three years and using the drug, commonly known as crystal meth, during those encounters.


Speaking to the Denver television station KUSA outside his house in Colorado Springs today, Mr. Haggard said a Denver hotel referred him to Mr. Jones for the purpose of getting a massage. He said he met with Mr. Jones and bought the drug. “I was tempted, I bought it, but I did not use it,” he said today. The station posted the video interview on its Web site.


He also had said he had never met the man making the accusation.

Um. So… which is it, then? Was he buying the meth through the mail? Over the intermeths?

Mr. Jones, 49, told KUSA that Mr. Haggard had paid him for sex over the last three years, and that he had methamphetamine several times.

“People may look at me and think what I’ve done is immoral,” Mr. Jones, who said he is no longer a prostitute, told KUSA. “But I think I had to do the moral thing in my mind, and that is expose someone who is preaching one thing and doing the opposite behind everybody’s back.”


Mr. Haggard has been a supporter of an amendment to the state’s Constitution banning same-sex marriage, on which Coloradans will vote next week….

“It made me angry that here’s someone preaching about gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex,” Mr. Jones said.

So who to believe? The right-wing fundamentalist leader who hates Teh Gay, or the ex-gay prostitute who hates Teh Hypocrisy? It’s a tough call, but I’ll pick the ex-gay prostitute every time, as long as his name isn’t Gannon. Or isn’t not really Gannon. Or, um…

I’ll come in again.

Entry Filed under: Politics,Puns,Wankers


  • 1. The Kenosha Kid  |  November 3rd, 2006 at 10:10 pm

    More Pandas, Less Puns! More Pandas, Less Puns!

  • 2. Eli  |  November 3rd, 2006 at 10:12 pm

    I’m not going to panda to you or anyone else.

  • 3. Neil Shakespeare  |  November 4th, 2006 at 12:33 am

    Is the Republican party nothing BUT gay evangelical hypocrites? PLUS now the meth thing! That’s lovely. A little touch of Hitler too, huh? Boy, that party is really full of the asswipes.

  • 4. Eli  |  November 4th, 2006 at 10:04 am

    They’re all completely batshit insane. Maybe it’s some kind of overcompensation for their weaknesses, like Mark Foley heading up the anti-predator committee.

  • 5. Sanjay  |  November 4th, 2006 at 10:12 am

    GOP = party of closet cases?

    I saw a license plate on a car that said “GADAR”

  • 6. The Kenosha Kid  |  November 4th, 2006 at 5:24 pm

    Well I really walked into that one, didn’t I. But wait! Here’s some late-breaking panda news!

  • 7. Interrobang  |  November 4th, 2006 at 10:48 pm

    There used to be a band called the Christal Methodists. They used to tape Christian hate radio and overlay it on low-fi beat dub tracks — most disturbing music I’ve ever heard.

    Wherever the former(?) members of the Christal Methodists are today, they’re laughing their asses off about Pastor Ted.

  • 8. Anonymous  |  November 5th, 2006 at 3:26 am

    Sometimes I doubt your committment to Sparkle Motion.

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