Shrubenfreude
So I was at the 7-11 getting some emergency replacement light bulbs (Quality Brite, because I know that the presence of the word “Quality” in the brand name is a well-known Hallmark Of Excellence, especially if some of the other words are deliberately misspelled), and the Globe’s front-page caught my eye with BUSH DIVORCE SCANDAL EXPLODES!
I immediately realized that I would be remiss in my duties as a journalist if I failed to focus all of my finely honed observational faculties and critical thinking skills on this startling claim. Indeed, so keenly laser-like is my focus, that I will not even address the Kelly Ripa Humiliated By Rude Clay Aiken (She vows revenge) headline, other than to ask just how rock-bottom you have to be to be humiliated by Clay Aiken, and whether Kelly Ripa fancies herself a cartoon villain.
George and Laura Bush’s teetering marriage is being threatened by an alarming new crisis – explosive revelations that promise to rip the lid off of their shocking private lives and trigger a huge public scandal!
The White House has learned that a bombshell tell-all book is being floated to publishing houses by an unknown senior staffer – a “deep throat” type of source.
President Bush has been told the book will expose the full extent of his drinking binges in the Oval Office, the dirty details of his tattered marriage to Laura and also his secret meetings with a mystery woman, which are linked to rumors that his dad cheated on his mom Barbara.
(…)
“An expose of the White House scandals would be the last nail in the coffin of President Bush’s hopes,” says political historian Will Silvestri.
“He wants to be regarded well by history, but his presidency is tarnished already.
“A permanent record of his personal and public tribulations would put him on a tall pedestal in the Presidential Hall of Shame!”
In a series of world exclusives, GLOBE has exposed the deep-rooted problems in the Bush marriage and Laura’s continued threats to divorce the president unless he changes his ways – and steers romantically clear of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. [Spocko beat me to the scoop on a previous installment, but I am determined to have the last laugh. Ha, ha!]
GLOBE also disclosed how his drinking sprees have alarmed Laura, causing her to urge him to go through rehab and dry out once more.
(…)
“And there are plenty of not-so-quiet whispers of drunkenness in the White House at the worst possible moments,” [says the insider.]
“Maybe, whoever is writing this book knows what really is going on between the president and Condi.”
Is any of this true? It would, as the saying goes, be irresponsible not to speculate. Besides, the story’s already out there now, so I’m just reporting on it, and not prejudging in any way. Hopefully the major news outlets will do the same: “Some say president’s marriage and beverages are on the rocks. Others say he’s sort of competent some of the time. Which is it? We don’t care.”
13 comments December 4th, 2006 at 07:15pm Posted by Eli
Entry Filed under: Bush,Favorites,Media,Weirdness
