Archive for December 17th, 2006

Sunday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part II

Those of you familiar with the Weekly World News know about their op-ed columnist, Ed Anger. Every time I’ve read him he’s sounded like an absolutely insane, over-the-top, flag-waving reactionary. One might even suspect that he might possibly be a parody.

But imagine my surprise when I saw this in this week’s My America column (“All I want for Christmas is accountability!”):

Folks, normally I’m the angriest guy around. But the recent election results have turned my scowl into a smile.

No, it’s not because the Democrats beat the Republican party. I’m an Independent. It’s because there will finally be a reckoning.

In case you’ve been in hibernation, the Republican Party received what George Bush called “a thumping” as Democrats took control of both the Senate and the House of Representatives. Immediately, Bush’s architect of the Iraq War, Donald Rumsfeld, resigned. What took you so long, Donald? People were dying while you were collecting your paycheck.

With two years remaining of Dubya’s administration, there’s plenty of time for the newly-elected Congress to investigate what’s been going on for the past six years. That’s why I’ve put together my very own What Ed Wants For Christmas List!

First of all, there’s the matter of Dick Cheney – from his shooting folks without a license to lining the pockets of his former employers with billions – that’s billions – of dollars in no bid Iraq war and post-Katrina contracts.

Second, I’m sure you all remember those Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and how there weren’t any to be found? The American people were sold a heap of lies to promote a war to control the cost of oil and gas. I want to know who was behind that. I’m betting that once Congress starts holding investigative hearings, Cheney’ll take a hint and resign. Because of his heart or something.

Third, I want someone to take a hard look at the rights we’re surrendering for the dubious value of the Patriot Act. Benjamin Franklin said that folks who surrender liberty for security deserve neither.

Fourth, I want to know why we’ve spent billions – that’s billions – to rebuild Iraq when our shores are still vulnerable to attack. That money could have been used for bomb and radiation detectors, police, security systems… things that would have made us safer. Oh, and also rebuilt New Orleans. Nothing the administration has done has achieved either of those goals.

Frankly, Mr. Bush is more than a lame duck – his goose is cooked. Now I’m not one of those people who want the Democrats to start talking about ‘impeachment’ to get these criminals out of office. Their ability to hurt us will be curtailed when the new Congress is seated in January. Impeachment would waste valuable time, as it did during the Clinton Administration. Perhaps if he’d been allowed to focus more on Osama and less on Monica, this country would be better off.

No – I want to see these specific con jobs investigated and all the con artists exposed. When they resign and go away in shame; when the farce can end, and our troops can be reunited with their families; those will be the best Christmas gifts of all.

Wow. I mean, when Republicans have lost Ed Anger…

On the other hand, I see lots of signs that WWN has remade its image, and it appears to be distancing itself from its mock appeal to the right-wing trailer park stereotype, so maybe Ed Anger’s been a pig-bitingly angry liberal for months or years, and I just never heard about it…

Or there might be a simpler (and sadder) explanation…

5 comments December 17th, 2006 at 09:56am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Bush,Cheney,Republicans,Weekly World News

Sunday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Part I

So I picked up an actual hardcopy of the Weekly World News last night, sucked in by the alluring headline, “WORLD’S FATTEST CAT SAVES CHRISTMAS!”, and let me tell you, I was not disappointed. Hell, I may even have to get a subscription (free Bat Boy t-shirt!).

The Amberson family lived in a trailer park, which was all they could afford after George was laid off from the Hohman Steel Mill.

“Heck, with gas and oil prices being so darn high it was a struggle just to keep warm,” George told Weekly World News. “I didn’t know how we were going to afford food, let alone Christmas presents.”

(…)

“Timmy took it like a real trooper, and after brushing away his tears he asked if he could have a dollar to get a present for his pet cat, Robie. It hurt like hell to tell him that Robie would have to go without this year just like the rest of us… not that Robie was suffering, mind you. You catch the size of that cat? But I even thought I saw sadness in the eyes of that big old stray who was curled next to my son to keep him warm. It was as if he actually understood what I was saying.”

A few days after that melancholy father-son chat, the cat began exhibiting unusual behavior.

“He would claw at the door to be let out,” said Agnes. “That fat cat hardly ever moved much less tried to go outside…. Robie would be gone all night before returning exhausted at dawn.”…

“Then, on Christmas Eve, George and I put up a tree we had made from cardboard and decorated it with tin foil balls and chicken bones painted to look like candy canes….”

“The next morning we were awakened by Timmy squealing with joyous laughter. I dragged myself into the eating area and, lo and behold, there was a real Christmas tree, festooned with silver glitter and topped with a decorative angel, its cool evergreen scent filling the air. Three presents lay wrapped at the base of the tree.

“Sitting in the middle of all this Yuletide joy was Robie, all decked out in a Santa Claus beard and hat, as fat and sassy as ol’ St. Nick himself!

“As we opened the presents one by one, we realized what Santa Cat had been doing every night… All the gifts had been discards which he had repaired. There was a Super GI Action Man, still stained with cooking grease from the dump but sporting fresh clothes from an abandoned Kenneth doll and a fresh green head from a Captain Alien figure. There was a fishing rod and reel made of tree branches and held together with twine, plus lures that were real dead flies. And there was a juicer for my wife, cobbled together from auto engine parts that had been gathered from a junkyard.”

(…)

“Not only had the cat scrounged in dumpsters and landfill to find gifts, he had repaired and wrapped them!” Agnes said with amazement. “I guess it was Robie’s way of showing his love for us. He was grateful that we had made him part of the family and wanted to do his part.”

[The cat’s efforts] lifted George Amberson from his depression. He went out and got a temporary job working the ‘returns’ counter at a local department store…. Now, a year later, George is the assistant manager of Mr. Potter’s General Store and the family has moved into a new home.

“What’s more, my prospects for the future have never looked better, since Mr. Potter is talking about retiring,” George said. “I owe it all to that cat – a cat in a red felt hat.”

See, this is why I love cats – they’re always doing this sort of thing.

2 comments December 17th, 2006 at 08:28am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Weekly World News


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