Archive for December 21st, 2006

Celebrity Nutcase Of The Year

And the winner is… Vincent (Gi)Gallo!

VINCENT Gallo is no pal of PayPal. The online payment service abruptly cut ties with the actor-director because it didn’t want to be associated with him selling his sexual services and sperm through his Web site. “They are really fascists. They should breathe some death gas or something,” the star of X-rated flick “Brown Bunny” told Page Six. For years, Gallo had used PayPal as an intermediary to collect payments from people ordering merchandise over vincentgallo.com, including clothing, posters, artwork and jewelry. But he says PayPal got squeamish at him offering himself to single women and lesbian couples for prices of $50,000-$200,000, and sperm samples for women who want to have his baby for $1 million. “For them to say they have some sort of moral regard for their clients is incredible – they’re a penny-pinching, conniving company,” he fumed. Gallo says he’s switching to American Express, Visa and MasterCard, “just like all the good escort services use.” A PayPal rep defended cutting off Gallo, saying he violated its “policy against facilitating meetings for sexually oriented activities.”

But wait – if you go back a few days, it gets even better:

Last February, the outrageous actor-director offered to “fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female” for a “modest fee of $50,000 plus expenses.” But “bargains” don’t last forever, and Gallo just upped his price to $100,000 – even though no one has apparently yet taken him up on the lower price.

But, “Female couples of the lesbian persuasion” can still “enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together” for the old price of $100,000 for two – or just $200,000 for an entire weekend, Gallo says on his Web site. He adds, sensitively: “Heavy-set, older red-heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way, Jose.”

Gallo advises women considering his offer to check out his sex scene with Chloe Sevigny in “Brown Bunny,” “to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me.”

(…)

Gallo has offered to sell his sperm for $1 million – although in a racially insensitive diatribe, he reserved the right to pick and choose who gets it.

“Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions,” he wrote on his Web site. “Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.”

Gallo wrote that a Jewish mother would be an asset because, if their child got into movies or music, “this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Festival or an Oscar.”

Un-frickin’-believable. Sorry, Mel, you’re not even in the same league.

Hat tip to the shadowy and mysterious Codename V.

12 comments December 21st, 2006 at 09:09pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weirdness

The Goode, The Bad, And The Batshit Insane

Okay, so over at Frothy’s place, I learn that some loon of a Republican congressman is a-feared that the Muslim hordes will overrun us if we don’t slam the door shut:

A Republican congressman (Virgil Goode) has told constituents that unless immigration is tightened, “many more Muslims” will be elected and follow the lead of a recently elected lawmaker who plans to use the Quran at his ceremonial swearing-in…

Goode added: “I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America and to prevent our resources from being swamped.”

Oookay. Obviously, the xenophobia is pretty naked, and there’s not a whole lot I can say about it.

But what I find almost as striking as unapologetic racism from an elected official is: There are 300 million people in this country. Just how many Muslim immigrants is Goode expecting to come over here? Does he know about some upcoming cataclysmic event which will turn a huge chunk of the Muslim world into refugees? It sure as hell ain’t gonna be Operation Temporary 21% Increase In Troop Strength Surge™.

3 comments December 21st, 2006 at 04:33pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Politics,Wankers

Lest We Forget

I can’t believe I had forgotten about this until the shadowy and mysterious Codename V. jogged my memory…

The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In the U.S. Army

Explanations of these events:

a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)

To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.

Some of my personal favorites:

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”.

174. Furby is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.

185. My name is not a killing word.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (“Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Yes, I know this has been around for a good long while, but I didn’t have a blog the first time I saw it, so…

4 comments December 21st, 2006 at 02:16pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Favorites,Weirdness

Meerkat Madness!


Alice Zrodlo

For those of you who just can’t get enough meerkat-on-meerkat action:

In September Discovery Films, along with Animal Planet, Oxford Scientific Films and the sales company Southern Star, began shooting an untitled documentary featuring some of the “Whiskers” meerkat family of the “Meerkat Manor” television series at home in their Kalahari colony.

Not to be outdone, the Weinstein Company in New York, along with BBC Films and the BBC Natural History Unit, got busy in November with “The Meerkats,” a documentary with its own take on the little diggers.

(…)

“Animals in a documentary go a long way with audiences,” Jack Foley, president of distribution for Focus Features, said in a telephone interview. Mr. Foley pointed out that “March of the Penguins” was not simply an outsize success in its own right, but also helped pave the way for “Happy Feet,” an animated penguin story that has been a major hit for Warner Brothers this season.

If meerkats are indeed the new penguins, that may owe something to the animals’ inherent charisma. Pam Bennett-Wallberg, a meerkat expert and executive director of Fellow Earthlings’ Wildlife Center in Morongo Valley, Calif., cast that appeal in the very grandest terms.

“I think people have become interested in meerkats,” she said, “because they are reminiscent of what is best in our own society and what is worst in our own society. They are incredibly courageous in defending family and friends, and they have the ultimate Napoleon complex. They’re small but mighty.”

(…)

The Whiskers family of “Meerkat Manor” has been under observation at a remote resort owned by Cambridge University in the Northern Cape of South Africa for about 3,000 hours over three years. That family has already worked its way into pop culture through the Animal Planet television show. The feature documentary in which those and other meerkats will star “will be, at times,” said Billy Campbell, president of Discovery Networks, “a little bit of ‘Desperate Housewives’ meets ‘Father Knows Best.’ ”

By contrast, James Honeyborne, director of the Weinstein/BBC project, appears focused on the animals’ wilder side, which he said would be easier to capture outside of a colony. “This is the opportunity for us to make a stand-alone, blue-chip wildlife film from the ground up,” he said. “It will be immersive. There will be a huge sense of place on a massive scale. You will really see real wild animals.”

If you can’t wait, or if you want to familiarize yourself with meerkats a little more, I recommend Animals Are Beautiful People, an earlier film by the same director as The Gods Must Be Crazy, and very similar in style and charm, if not content.

December 21st, 2006 at 12:36pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Science


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