Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

6 comments December 13th, 2006at 07:21am Posted by Eli

I don’t know why no-one ever thought of this before…

Atman University has challenged its reincarnated students this fall by offering the world’s most advanced graduate degrees.

“Students who retain knowledge from past lives can explore subjects with much greater breadth than is possible in an ordinary doctoral program,” said Professor L. Chandra Rao, the university’s Aeternus Chair of Ancient, Early Modern, Modern, and Contemporary American, European, Asian, African, Australian, and Antarctic History.

“That’s why we now offer the post-post-post-postdoctorate degree, or PPPPPhD.”

Coursework for the new degree is unprecedentedly difficult, and includes Rao’s own notorious class, “Ancient History for Eyewitnesses.”

“Students usually require between four and eight lifetimes to receive their diplomas,” Rao said.

The school provides an extensive library in which students may find dusty copies of their own writings from former lives.

“This helps enormously with the completion of the students’ dissertations, which must be between 2 and 20 million words in length,” Rao said.

Atman University also maintains an open policy on transferring credits from past schools. Transcripts on punch cards, clay tablets, and olive leaves from Plato’s Academy were all honored this year.

“And there’s no minimum age requirement,” Rao explained. “One student’s memory of past lives is so clear that he enrolled before most of his fellows had begun kindergarten.”

Alas, if I had any former lives, I’m pretty sure they were all useless dumbasses who didn’t witness anything interesting.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

6 Comments

  • 1. Sanjay  |  December 13th, 2006 at 10:29 am

    LOL. Hindus are supposed to believe in reincarnation. I don’t I am wierd too that way.

  • 2. Sanjay  |  December 13th, 2006 at 10:32 am

    LOL. Hindus are supposed to believe in reincarnation. I don’t I am wierd too that way.

  • 3. four legs good  |  December 13th, 2006 at 6:54 pm

    Okay, I am all over that.

  • 4. Eli  |  December 13th, 2006 at 7:43 pm

    If there *is* reincarnation, I suspect I’m going to be at it for a long, long time before I get it right.

  • 5. belledame222  |  December 13th, 2006 at 11:58 pm

    Oh, god, how much do I heart the WWN.

    my favorite headline ever, not least because it was shortly after 9/11, when there -was- no media anything at -any- level that didn’t have something relentlessly grim and depressing:

    “MINI-MERMAID FOUND IN TUNA SANDWICH”

    “I asked for extra mayo, and intead I got THIS”

  • 6. Eli  |  December 14th, 2006 at 12:35 am

    I actually subscribed to the WWN for a year or two back in the day, and the Sun. I made a couple of mini-mural collages from clippings (hm, I might still have photocopies – I wonder if I could scan them…).


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