Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

3 comments January 24th, 2007at 07:31am Posted by Eli

The search for intelligent life comes to a head:

Dermatologist James Zarren stopped treating teenager Billy Frainton’s acne last week, when the doctor realized that Billy’s pimples were attempting to communicate with him.

“I noticed patterns in his acne, like the Braille language, so I sent him to the Centers for Special Dermatology in Cincinnati,” Dr. Zarren said.

Specialists immediately diagnosed a rare immune disorder in Billy. “It turns out that his pus contains mostly neurons, rather than white blood cells,” Dr. Zarren explained. “His whiteheads are actually made up of the white matter found in people’s brains.”

The arrangement of the neurons in Billy’s acne mimics that of the brain’s language centers. “The Braille-like messages ensure the zits’ survival. In order to read the pips on Billy’s face, you have to get your finger oils all over his skin, which clogs pores and creates more acne,” Dr. Zarren explained.

Despite the scientific importance of his pimples, Billy remains glum.

“I guess I’m stuck with my zits,” the teenager said. “In the meantime, I’m also stuck with kids laughing at me.”

Dr. Zarren has proposed a grafting procedure to remove the acne without killing it. Billy’s pimply skin, once removed, would be kept alive in a laboratory. Flesh from the teenager’s buttocks would replace the missing facial skin.

But Billy has rejected the approach, fearing even more merciless ridicule from his peers.

“It’s bad enough being called a ‘zit-face,'” Billy said. “I didn’t want to be a ‘butthead.'”

The poor kid is pimple-minded.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

3 Comments

  • 1. karmicjay  |  January 24th, 2007 at 9:44 am

    Communicative pimples thatsall we need. Wonder if Rush Limpballs cysts were communicating with him about how to beat the draft? ;)

  • 2. Eli  |  January 24th, 2007 at 10:56 am

    You think Rush had acystance?

  • 3. Multi Medium » Why &hellip  |  January 25th, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    […] dioramas (Excession); where aliens spell out messages with human pimples (oops, that was the Weekly World News).  And I’ve already gone on at length about Queen Of […]


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