Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging… X2!

3 comments January 31st, 2007at 07:16am Posted by Eli

It’s Two-Fer Wednesday! Because I couldn’t decide, and they’re both pretty short.

First, a new trend in urban strife:

FONTANA, Calif. — A fray between rival unicycle gangs has left one cyclist dead and at least eleven in an unsteady situation.

“It’s part of a turf war between the Fontana Figure Eights and the San Bernardino Velocipede Raptors,” said police detective Donald Eversohm. “One gang pedals into another’s strip mall courtyard, and before you know it the batons are flying.”

Police confiscated hundreds of juggling clubs, beanbags, flaming poi, and devil sticks after the brawl.

“They’re mostly circus wannabes and weekend Bozos seeking big-top thrills and a few bucks by performing for shoppers,” according to Eversohm.

“But they’re pathologically quick to anger, due to their hairtrigger reflexes and power-bar diet,” the detective added. “Instead of gathering around and watching, I recommend that citizens keep their distance.”

“Remember: despite their finesse, these guys are basically unbalanced.”

And in health/religion news:

ROSALYN, N.M.–A survey of online auction sites reveals that images of Jesus Christ now appear exclusively in whole wheat tortillas, and not the refined-flour tortillas that have hosted similar miracles since the late 1970s.

Christ hasn’t shown disfavor for any other kind of bread since the ‘leaven of the Pharisees’ in approximately 30 AD.

“It’s all part of Christ’s work as a healer,” said nutritionist and Catholic priest James Noyce. “Now that whole-wheat tortillas are available everywhere, Jesus is helping the faithful to avoid diabetes and heart disease.”

The divine health kick is nothing new, according to Father Noyce. In the Gospels, Christ urged the drinking of wine–which has been linked to significant reductions in coronary artery disease. The Lord’s enthusiasm for fish in the Bible also reveals, in Father Noyce’s words, that “He is the alpha, the omega, and the omega-3.”

Church officials also acknowledge the symbolism of preserving the trinity of bran, germ, and endosperm in whole wheat grains. One major supplier of consecrated breads–INRye, Inc.–now produces whole-wheat Communion wafers low in animal ‘Transubstantiation Fats.’

According to Father Noyce, the new wafers will allow slimmed-down congregations to enter Heaven, as Jesus says, “by the narrow gate.”

This also reminds me that I need to get back to work on my get-rich-quick scheme involving eBay and a Jesus-shaped branding iron…

UPDATE: Mother Panini informs me that I have no excuse not to get right on that.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

3 Comments

  • 1. Glenn  |  January 31st, 2007 at 9:16 am

    Thanks. I haven’t laughed so hard since Sunday night when that little guy slipped in the john at the Latrine and fell headfirst into the urinal. Both porcelain and skull were undamaged.

  • 2. Mother Panini  |  January 31st, 2007 at 9:39 am

    Someone has beaten you to it, Eli.

    http://www.shipoffools.com/Gadgets/Food/163.html

  • 3. australiagoo  |  May 17th, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    for the they had raspberries, a job turtles one night, When magnificent the boys managed in many every


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