Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

February 7th, 2007at 07:19am Posted by Eli

New frontiers in medicine:

It turns out mom was right.

“Kisses can cure boo-boos,” said Dr. Deborah Wright, inventor of Medical Kissing, or ‘Osculology’.

The realization, now backed by major clinical studies, came to Dr. Wright when she was assisting an ice rescue at an Arctic weather station.

“One of my patients needed stitches and it was too cold for me to take off my gloves,” the doctor told Weekly World News. I thought, ‘Why do I need my hands to tie stitches when I can knot a cherry stem in my mouth?’

Dr. Wright tucked a length of thread in her cheek and fed it through her front teeth. She used tiny incisor-bites to make puncture wounds, put her lips to the injury, and her tongue did the rest. Her invention, the ‘Smuture,’ is just one of many kissing techniques set to revolutionize treatment of even the gravest maladies.

“Cardiac surgeons now recognize that a kiss to the heart’s sinoatrial nerve can relieve ventricular fibrillation more effectively than drugs or manual compression,” according to Dr. Wright.

Aided by surgical mouthwash, a kissing cardiologist can use saliva’s natural electrolytes to promote nerve conductivity. Spit’s native glycoproteins also provide raw material for healing.

And Eskimo kisses now combat hypothermia. “The doctor rubs noses with the patient, deep enough inside the sinus cavity to stimulate the brain’s hypothalamus, which regulates body temperature,” said Dr. Wright.

Wright is currently developing even more advanced procedures. Brain surgeons’ puckering techniques will soon relieve intracranial pressure in coma victims. Blown kisses will gently inflate patients’ abdomens for laparoscopic surgery. Pursed ‘liplocks’ will replace metal clamps on bleeding arteries. And ‘diagnostic kissing’, or ‘making out’ the causes of disease, may replace ultrasound scanners with doctors’ vibrating lips.

Dr. Wright, who also invented ‘Heavy-Isotope Positron Emission Tomography’, or the ‘Heavy-PET Scan’, nevertheless considers kiss-based medicine her greatest contribution to science.

“Before Osculology, we were only playing doctor,” she said. “But now we’ve found the kiss of life.”

No mention of erectile dysfunction.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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