Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

3 comments March 14th, 2007at 07:06am Posted by Eli

Oh my:

A victory in the war against mental disease may have been won with the discovery of the real cause of multiple personalities.

“New imaging systems have detected unusual activity in the cerebellums of people with more than one personality,” said Dr. Samuel Grant. “These areas are similar to the familiar gray matter of the rest of the brain with one major difference. Due to oxygen deprivation, they’re blue.”

Dr. Grant believes that mental disease arises from a conflict between the blue and the gray parts of the brain.

“It seems that cells in the left side of a split mind horde [sic] oxygen in a section called the ‘antebellum,’ forcing the right side to work without sufficient energy. That causes the blue cells to attack in an effort to free the withheld oxygen.”

The result, said Dr. Grant is a brain ravaged by civil war.

“We’re working on a drug that should coax the cerebellum [antebellum?] to release the oxygen from captivity,” said Dr. Grant. “It’s imperative that we end these struggles. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, ‘A brain divided against itself cannot stand.'”

I might be a bit confused from oxygen deprivation, but I suspect this one could have used a little more proofreading. Other than that, it’s great stuff, though. Antebellum? A war to free the oxygen? Dr. Grant?

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

3 Comments

  • 1. SPIIDERWEB™  |  March 14th, 2007 at 8:09 am

    I know my brain is constantly fighting itself.

    No I’m not!

    I just hope my side wins.

    Which side would that be?

    BTW, we both love your photos.

  • 2. Glenn  |  March 14th, 2007 at 8:38 am

    We told you the South would rise again.

  • 3. Eli  |  March 14th, 2007 at 10:55 am

    Heh. Thanks, Spiidey.

    We told you the South would rise again.

    Apparently there’s a little bit of the South in all of us. Or at least the crazy ones.


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