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March 28th, 2007at 06:46am Posted by Eli

BALTIMORE, Md. — According to holistic anesthesiologist Biff Swarmer, patients would be better off with a little ‘rap’ music.

“Under traditional anesthesia, patients can’t even breathe on their own,” Dr. Swarmer explained. “My method — pummeling them into unconsciousness — is safer and much more empowering.

“For me,” he laughed, “‘out patient’ has a very different meaning.

Dr. Swarmer perfected his new pain-management method on the rough streets of Baltimore.

“The first application of my ‘Healing Fists’ technique was actually in dentistry,” he said. “My patients appreciated the efficiency of removing consciousness and teeth simultaneously.”

The technique proved so successful that mainstream surgeons began asking for Dr. Swarmer’s help with major procedures from heart bypasses to neurosurgery.

“That presented a new challenge,” Dr. Swarmer said. “These operations required patients to be out for much longer than a count of ten.”

The two-fisted anesthesiologist was forced to create new blows to accomplish longer periods of stupor. He developed and employed techniques ranging from the Vulcanized Nerve Pinch, which is rendered with a rubber blackjack to the base of the skull, to the more elegant ‘LIFE’ — Left Index Finger Extension.

“I simply point at something,” Dr. Swarmer said. “When the patient looks, I clock them in the snot box with a roundhouse right.”

However, Dr. Swarmer’s partnership with conventional doctors hasn’t entirely relieved him of a reliance on traditional tools of the trade.

“I do keep an IV drip in my office,” he admitted, “but that’s so I can work the bag to warm up for surgery.”