Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

April 11th, 2007at 07:22am Posted by Eli

Finally, genetic engineering is put to good use:

BETHESDA, Md. — The National Naval Medical Center has announced the birth of the first child featuring a ‘care and handling’ tag.

“It’s a triumph for biotechnology and for child protection policy in this country,” said Dr. Peter Canale, who engineered the label into the newborn’s DNA using modified skin-tag genes and melanin ink.

Dr. Canale admits that the idea of engineering labels into children isn’t a new one. “Gregor Mendel had the idea centuries ago, in order to discourage the replacement of human kids with changelings. But he only got as far as breeding pea plants that included their own cooking instructions.

“The new tags aren’t much different from the familiar ones developed by the mattress industry,” Dr. Canale went on. “These baby labels discourage tampering with the child and his or her contents.”

The tags also feature vaccination reminders written, dot-matrix style, using actual measles, pink rubella and other ailments. Each reminder vanishes as soon as the child receives the associated shots.

“Naturally, the label forbids its own removal, by parents or anyone else,” said Dr. Canale. “But thanks to some ‘time-release’ genes borrowed from umbilical cord DNA, the label will dry up and fall off by the child’s eighteenth birthday.”

Why did no-one think of this sooner?

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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