Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

April 18th, 2007at 07:29am Posted by Eli

New Frontiers In Computing:

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Computer engineers admit they won’t be producing a machine that thinks for itself anytime soon. But the experts promise that new ‘Artificial Intuition’ technology might be sitting on your desktop before the year is out. “Our first machine was a codebreaker for the CIA,” said programmer Brouwer Dummett, who pioneered hunch-based computing for the American military in the 1980s. “We began with weather forecasting equipment. If the machine felt a pain in its joints — or, more accurately, if it calculated poor loadbearing capacity in those joints and their associated trusses — it predicted a rainstorm.”

Dummett confessed that A.I. speech recognition also fell short of expectations.

“The machine can’t understand most of what we say, though it somehow always senses that we’re disappointed with it,” he said.

A.I. machines tend to fall short, Dummett said, because they can’t easily be tested. “We use chess to predict the cognitive performance of ordinary computers,” Dummett said, “but Artificially-Intuitive systems prefer less cerebral games like Rock, Paper, Scissors — or in this case, Mainframe, Print-out, Electromagnetic Pulse.”In fact, A.I.’s biggest accomplishment so far has been convincing its designers not to pull the plug. Dummett revealed the secret of the machine’s survival.

“The fact is, my colleagues and I all owe the thing a lot of poker money,” Dummett said. “A.I. systems can always tell when we’re bluffing.”

I can never remember the proper hand-signal for “Electromagnetic Pulse”…

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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