Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

1 comment June 13th, 2007at 07:23am Posted by Eli

Yet another kind of computer virus to worry about:

Mass.–Watch out, PC owners. There’s something far worse for your computer than malicious hacking: dry hacking. “At least that’s what it sounded like,” said astonished business-computing specialist Walt Sasser. “My computer’s cooling fans would spasm every few minutes, coughing out little blasts of air.

“And something had scrambled the machine’s text-encoding subroutines. A message popped up on the screen: ‘Systeb Error! You will lose all udsabed idforbation.’ I’d never seen anything like it.”

Soon Walt’s friend Peter Lenart–summoned from his studies at nearby Pauli Tech– discovered the cause of the malfunction.

“Peter told me the computer had probably caught a human virus,” Walt said. “Back at Tech, Pete’s nanotechnology experiments involved viruses able to bind with particles of silicon. The bugs in my computer represented a similar strain, infecting the machine’s silicon-chip microprocessors.”

“Once inside the chips, each virus’ protein coat had become covered with silicon particles. The gilded viruses became tiny electrical conductors, effectively rewiring the processors.”

As a result, the computer suffered from amazingly human symptoms. “We saw increased processor speed,” Walt said, “accelerated activity that elevated the machine’s temperature, just like a fever.”

Walt also observed green and yellow discharge from the machine’s ports. “It’s called a ‘runny node,’ in networking lingo,” Walt explained. “It comes from melting wire insulation.”

Lacking established troubleshooting protocol, Walt and Peter treated the digital ailment just like an ordinary cold.

“We bundled the computer in a wool blanket and stuck a thermometer under the CD-ROM tray to monitor overheating,” Walt said. “We also kept all of the programs closed–so that the machine was running nothing but a temperature. And we made sure it got plenty of Sleep Mode.”

Within a week, the machine’s fever burned off the viruses. Now Walt and Peter are working hard to find a faster cure.

“Peter’s churned out some disease-management programs called e-Chinacea and Vitamin C++,” Walt said. “And I’m experimenting with virus-resistant zinc-based computer hardware.”


Epidemiologists haven’t officially documented any human cases yet, but Walt presented harrowing evidence of the grave risks computer users face.

“Pete knew a professor back at Tech who accidentally broke a vial full of silicon-clad viruses,” Walt reported. “He was never the same again.”

“He was freezing all the time–not actually cold, but blank, unresponsive, with an hourglass-shaped glint in his eye.”


The symptoms suggest that silicon from the viruses’ protein coats can accumulate in the brains of infected humans, like the deposits of aluminum found in cortical tissue of Alzheimer’s Disease sufferers. The resulting damage to infected humans’ mental abilities is likely to be permanent.

“So, to be safe, we recommend staying away from an afflicted computer, and covering up its fans with handkerchiefs,” Walt said.

“It’s just not worth the risk,” he added. “We can treat an infected machine with a little warmth from the motherboard. But if you’re exposed, you’ll end up on the junkheap.”

Nothing about giving the afflicted PC fluids or chicken soup, oddly enough. Or maybe some Compudafed.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

1 Comment

  • 1. Interrobang  |  June 17th, 2007 at 2:26 am

    Once again, I am in awe of the WWN…

Contact Eli



Most Recent Posts




June 2007
« May   Jul »

Thinking Blogger

Pittsburgh Webloggers

Site Meter

View My Stats *