Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

4 comments July 25th, 2007at 07:23am Posted by Eli

That Thomas Jefferson really got around:

When shoring up loose timbers beneath Monticello, the fabled home of founding father Thomas Jefferson, engineers discovered a small, metal chest hidden in sod.

“I couldn’t believe what was inside,” Jeffersonian scholar Henry Calvin told Weekly World News.  “It contained irrefutable proof that the third president of the United States had fathered an alien love child!

“According to the artifacts, Jefferson was not only loved by the American people but — incredibly! — by an extraterrestrial as well,” Calvin went on. “We know that Jefferson had many lovers after the death of his beloved wife, Martha, although none of his affairs were as torrid or unexpected as his brief encounter with an alien temptress in 1800.”

The former president had been riding home as night fell along the backwoods of Virginia when he noticed a strange light in the sky.

“A small orb of boundless luminosity followed my stallion as we traversed the lonely countryside,” Jefferson wrote.  “Its closeness made me afraid — as if some maleficent creature sought an audience.

“As the orb descended, my mount suddenly bolted, leaving me in a perplexing blaze, which did not singe.  I gasped as a supple, lithe form emerged from the brilliance.  Her oversized eyes brimmed with compassion and calmed my fear.  Enveloping me in limbs that were tendril-like but no less soothing for it, she whispered in my mind that she had come from afar to couple with what she called ‘a terran of such repute.’

“Our congress was without parallel,” Jefferson went on. “Upon the morn I awoke alone and with an ache in the head as though I had overindulged in a lesser Merlot.”

“It’s not unlikely that a female alien would want to mate with the country’s most profound thinker, politician and philosopher,” Calvin said. “Despite Jefferson’s best efforts to put the tryst behind him — there is no further mention of the incident for some time — two years later he received an anonymous package.”

According to Jefferson’s handwritten notes, it was a small sphere containing a short note and what he called a ‘pictograph’ of a two-year-old alien child that bore a remarkable likeness to Jefferson.

“The note explained — in perfect English — that Jefferson had been selected by the inhabitants of another planet for breeding purposes,” Calvin said. “Apparently, the alien males had been rendered sterile due to what they described as ‘mobile communications technology,’ leaving the planet’s only female, the queen, without a mate.

“Unfortunately, there were no compatible life forms within their star system. Based on surveillance of Earth, they were well aware of Jefferson’s qualifications and willingness to participate.  With the birth of a new male  — Jefferson’s love child — the aliens could begin a new life cycle.

“It’s a fascinating coda to Jefferson’s varied accomplishments,” Calvin noted, “that in addition to being a founding father of America, Jefferson also fathered an entire world!”

Awesome.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

4 Comments

  • 1. spork_incident  |  July 25th, 2007 at 7:35 am

    Have you heard the sad news?

    .

  • 2. Ruth  |  July 25th, 2007 at 8:39 am

    Red headed freckled aliens with clocks that wind perfectly are no longer part of our life? spork, that’s devastating. Eli, somehow, can you keep up informed?

  • 3. Eli  |  July 25th, 2007 at 9:09 am

    Yes, I heard, and I am very depressed. I saved off every story I could get my hands on from their website, so hopefully I’ll still be able to keep the Wednesday feature going for a little while.

  • 4. Boy-Bat  |  July 25th, 2007 at 10:36 am

    You might want to credit the fucking AUTHORS.


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