Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

August 8th, 2007at 07:29am Posted by Eli

The Weekly World News uncovers the secret origin of the ninja:

JAPANESE historians have always believed that ‘ninjas’ were trained to be spies and political assassins in feudal Japan. However, professor Danno Tanaka recently unearthed ancient scrolls indicating that ninjas served a much higher purpose.

“I found them buried in the ruins of the Imperial palace from the Heian period, which is when the samurai class first developed,” said Tanaka.

“According to these scrolls — penned by Emperor Kammu himself — this period marked the invasion of Japan by extraterrestrials!”

Kammu writes of ‘leaf-hued invaders from the sky who launched arrows of lightning.’

Kammu sent his best warriors out to attack them, but the soldiers were beaten back.

“Skilled as they were, they were unable to repel the aliens, who Kammu claims were often ‘unseen,’ ” said Tanaka.

Because of the space invaders’ advantage, Kammu ordered his warriors to change their tactics. Dressed in black and attacking only at night, they practiced the art of invisibility. This was the birth of the ninja.

“The alien occupation lasted ten years, during which time the Japanese were secretly honing their ninja skills,” said Tanaka.

“When they were finally ready, 1,000 deadly ninjas were unleashed upon the aliens. Having never fought an invisible enemy before, hundreds of them were killed by shurikens, poison darts, and hidden sword thrusts, and within a month they fled Earth, never to return.”

“Ninja activities after that period have been well documented,” said Tanaka. “However, it’s possible there are still clans watching the skies and waiting for another alien attack. For all we know, they’ve been all that stood between our world and invasion for the past thousand years.”

I think we should all reflect upon the enormous debt of gratitude that we owe to these selfless and stealthy individuals.

In other Weekly World News news, the Washington Post has a great story on the origins and history of the Weekly World News (alas, no space aliens), soon to shut down its print edition for good.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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