Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

August 29th, 2007at 07:34am Posted by Eli

Weekly World News reveals the secret to getting into Heaven!

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied,” said Bible scholar Douglas Carter of the Massachusetts Center of Religious Truth. “Everyone knows those words from Matthew. But until now, no one grasped what that statement truly meant.”

According to Dr. Carter’s interpretation, Jesus was indicating to humankind that morality is literally food for the soul.

“The spirit needs to stay fit, just like the body,” said Dr. Carter. “If you eat too much junk food, your body gets fat. Similarly, if you sin too much, your soul will also get flabby.

“You see, Jesus chose his words carefully,” Dr. Carter went on. “He said ‘hunger and thirst.’ It’s a nutritional analogy. By being morally upright, you eat and drink righteousness, which is non-fat. By committing sin, you consume evil. And evil is very high-caloric for the soul.”


“There’s a practical reason why sinners don’t go to Heaven,” he went on. “Their souls are just too heavy. They sink through the clouds and into Hell from all that weight. It takes a certain spiritual physique to ascend to paradise. Have you ever heard of fat angels? Fat demons, certainly, but not fat angels. Those wings can only handle so much mass.”

Unfortunately, if this discovery holds true it will be unpleasant news for many Christians.

“They’re used to the idea of repentance and absolution,” said Dr. Carter. “However, if I’m correct, it will take a lot more than repenting one’s sins to get into Heaven. It will take a spiritual weight-loss regimen. Being aggressively good and cheerful, like TV weather people.

You know, if Heaven is full of TV weather people, I might just take my chances in The Other Place.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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