LEAVE PETRAEUS ON BRITNEY ALONE!!!

1 comment September 14th, 2007at 08:41pm Posted by Eli

Joel Stein of the LA Times (who I went to college with but never met) has apparently obtained an advance copy of General Petraeus’s latest highly objective progress report:

Thank you Jive Records, MTV, Clear Channel and members of Congress for the opportunity to present my assessment of Britney Spears’ career. Which, according to nearly every objective metric, is going completely, totally awesome.

Sure, progress made over the last few months has been uneven — the number of Star magazine “not normal” incidents is still disturbingly high — but we are hitting most of our major benchmarks. To wit, not only has there not been one single divorce this year, there also haven’t been any marriages, significantly curtailing the assessed threat of divorce.

In recent months, despite brutal summer heat, we have achieved progress in the underwear-wearing arena. Shoe wearing in public bathrooms is up 38%, while T-shirt messages with the phrase “baby daddy” are down 46%. Hair regrowth objectives are being met, and recent advances in wig and hair extension technology have proved surprisingly effective. Conducting sensitive negotiations directly in the field, we have been increasingly able to get Ms. Spears to wear just the blond wig instead of switching between the black and blond ones, which has provided a force-multiplier effect on public credibility.

(…)

As shown by this other chart, public approval of Ms. Spears is up roughly 1 trillion percent over this time last year, though to properly explain the methodology would require one of those nerdy laser-pointer thingies Al Gore uses, so you’ll just have to trust me.

The recent performance at the MTV Video Music Awards vastly exceeded initial projections of awesomeness. Not only did the few dancing moves she executed get her heart rate up to 145 — prime fat-burning range — but Ms. Spears did not fall or cry. Though the time lapse between recorded music and lip sync was off by an average of 2.5 seconds, this was a vast improvement over the House of Blues tour, where the average was actually forever, because she didn’t know the words to her new song. Though she still hasn’t memorized the lyrics — which, for the record, are “gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme” — she now mouths other words in its place, some of which clearly do involve giving her things.

(…)

Improvement of Ms. Spears’ parenting skills has been substantial, as evidenced by the fact that 100% of her children are alive. Neither has been dangled over a railing or placed near a crocodile. One has already been weaned off soda and is now eating solid candy bars. Secondhand smoke is 88% tar-reduced, exactly on target.

(…)

The important thing to remember is that to secure our national interests, we need Britney Spears. If Al Qaeda knew it had the power to destroy our former teen pop stars, it would feel empowered to mess with Zac Efron’s Facebook profile, or expose the real identity of Hannah Montana.

Democracy depends on our resolve.

I feel… like a great weight has been lifted from my heart. It’s like I can dare to hope again.

(h/t Phoenix Woman and Robert Greenwald)

Entry Filed under: Bush,Iraq

1 Comment

  • 1. Ripley  |  September 15th, 2007 at 10:30 am

    Now the healing can begin.


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