Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

September 12th, 2007at 07:34am Posted by Eli

Headlines From Tomorrow!

After opening a popular Chinese restaurant in Manhattan, Chuck Lee discovered that eating large amounts of hot mustard enabled him to foretell the future. Chuck has consented to share his remarkable predictions in a weekly column.

2008 CLEVELAND, Ohio – Doctors realize that using tongue depressors causes peoples’ tongues to become sullen and flaccid, impeding speech. To pep them up, caregivers coat the depressors with Prozac.

2009 PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Because of improved health care and nutritional understanding, maladies like cancer and heart disease become more treatable, allowing people to live into their early hundreds.

2010 PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Long-lived people begin experiencing strange physical changes as they reach one hundred and twelve years. They lose their teeth and grow a third set, proving that there is such a thing as a second childhood.

2010 PROVIDENCE, R.I. – As senior citizens continue to age, their voices drop even lower and they break out in acne. Doctors are stunned to discover that “second childhood” is followed by “second teenagerhood.”

2011 BOSTON, Mass. – Doctors discover that, just as the thyroid absorbs iodine, a different part of the body actually absorbs the sun’s radiation, which is a major contributor to the majority of cancers. Despite the discomfort, people demand the removal of their UVulas.

2012 KINGSTON, Jamaica –
As archaeologists uncover the last known pirate treasures, they find that the booty is covered with thousands of long, protein-based follicles. They realize that all those centuries covered in rich soil has caused them to grow chest hair.

2013 LANSING, Mich. – Zoologist Gene Mitchell discovers that bats are actually blind from hanging upside down while they sleep, causing blood to rush into and flood their ocular nerves. Researchers spend years trying to coax bats to sleep right-side up to cure them of their handicap.

2014 LANSING, Mich. – Able to see now – just not in the dark – bats quickly become extinct as they can’t find bugs to eat, and collide with walls, cars, trees and people.

(…)

2018 SAN DIEGO, Calif. – Genetic engineers create an incredible new kind of nut that, when eaten, gives test subjects higher IQs. Thousands of average students suddenly excel at their studies, thanks to these ‘academia nuts.’

(…)

2020 HOUSTON, Texas – As egg sales drop due to concerns about cholesterol, desperate farmers breed chickens to lay chocolate eggs. Not only do they have less cholesterol, but they’re yummier.

(…)

2023 PORTLAND, Maine – Canine trainers are ecstatic when they finally succeed in teaching old dogs new tricks. The process is grueling, but the dog owners are thrilled by their pets’ new abilities.

2024 PORTLAND, Maine – Unfortunately, due to the stress, the old dogs die soon after learning the new tricks.

Can you prove it didn’t happen?

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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