Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

October 10th, 2007at 07:11am Posted by Eli

Well, it looks like the Weekly World News website isn’t being updated at all, so I must resort to more… old-fashioned methods. Here is a follow-up story about a poll they ran in 2003…

After thousands of votes were cast and WWN staff members spent weeks counting the ballots, the five presidents to be cloned were announced on March 2, 2003.

“I’m pleased to announce,” said a noticeably excited Dr. Blauprecht, “that the five presidents who will be cloned are John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, and Millard Fillmore, who beat out Jefferson by a mere three votes.”

Thanks to Dr. Blauprecht’s cloning method, which he learned from his colleague, the revolutionary Dr. Werner Trondheim of Vienna, the clones age at five times the rate of normal humans. Since the cloning began as soon as the winners were announced, JFK II, Abe II, FDR II, Ronnie II, and Millard Fillmore II are now 12 clone years old.


Interviews with their classmates show that each boy has adopted a role true to his presidential personality. JFK II and Ronnie II are the most popular boys in school, already dating girls. “They’re sooo cute! Jack II is awesome at football, and Ron II gets the best parts in all the plays,” says one enamored classmate.

FDR II is the class “nerd.” He’s captain of the debate team and active in the chess club, the model UN, and boys intramural cricket. Fillmore, on the other hand, is barely noticeable. He generally sits in the back of the classroom, doodling in his notebook. “I’m afraid Millard II gets picked on a bit,” says Fitzpatrick. “He’s earned the nickname ‘Know-Nothing,’ and all the kids keep saying he killed the Whig party. On the bright side, they’ve really had to bone up on their history to get some good jabs in!”

But the real oddball of the bunch is Abraham Lincoln II, who not only dresses in black every day, but also wears eyeliner and paints his fingernails black. “Abe II is always talking about some band no one has ever heard of,” says a classmate rolling his eyes. “He thinks he’s all punk rock, but really he’s pretty lame.”


Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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