Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

November 21st, 2007at 06:46pm Posted by Eli

Rummy LOVES Joey!!!

(By Aiden Louis)

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld can’t fall asleep unless he’s clutching his G.I. Joe doll, reveals a White House insider.

“Mr. Rumsfeld has to have ‘Pvt. Joey’ snuggled safe in his arms at bedtime or he’s up all night going crazy looking for him,” says the source.

“The action figure is more than 40 years old. It’s raggedy and missing a leg. Mr. Rumsfeld accidentally ripped it off when he was playing ‘Watch Out For Landmines’ during a Senate hearing. But it’s his most beloved possession.”

The insider… overheard a vicious argument between [Rumsfeld] and wife Joyce Rumsfeld.

“Mr. Rumsfeld yelled: ‘I told you to hide Pvt. Joey from those rugrats! Now he’s gone. Oh my God. Oh my God!'” says the source.

“Mrs. Rumsfeld was furious. She screamed back: ‘If my grandchildren want to play with that stupid doll, they will! You are too old to still need him! And I’m sick of rolling over onto Joe’s bayonet in the middle of the night! Get rid of him!’

“Mr. Rumsfeld screeched: ‘Never! You’ll have to pry Joey from my cold dead kung fu grip.'”


In 1962, [Rumsfeld] was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives from Illinois. The charity-minded politician was so eager to help war-torn, poverty-stricken third world nations he often requested to travel on missions of mercy.

“During one grueling, taxpayer-funded stay in a five-star luxury hotel in Paris, the congressman was distributing G.I. Joe dolls… to needy gay Frenchmen,” says the source.

“He had one of the Joes in his lap during a luncheon when a passing waiter tripped and two escargot knives plummeted down, point first, toward Mr. Rumsfeld’s testicles.

“The doll took the hit. If he hadn’t, the injury would have changed Mr. Rumsfeld’s voice to that of a girly soprano and ended his political career. Or he could have bled to death if the blades sliced a major artery.

“After that, Pvt. Joey became his good-luck talisman – his security blanket.

“He’s terrified that the minute he throws Joe away, he’ll get hit by a bus.”

The defense secretary has also grown to know and love his small friend. They talk a lot – although they don’t always agree – and Rumsfeld asks for Joe’s advice on weighty political decisions.

Adds the source: “Mr. Rumsfeld firmly believes Private Joey will be the one to finally find bin Laden.”

Jeez, I had no idea France was so perilous.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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