Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

1 comment November 28th, 2007at 07:19am Posted by Eli

Even space aliens have standards:

(By Nick Jeffries)

Wild-child socialite Paris Hilton was abducted by aliens – and five minutes later, they opened the spaceship door and kicked her out.

Or at least that’s the word from a researcher who claims a ticked off ET made an irate phone call to the UFOs Reach Earth Americans Line (U-FO-REAL).

(…)

[U-FO-REAL operator Dieter] Vanderhorn says an entity who identified himself as “Vortox from the planet Runyon” told him he had just dumped Paris in a nearby field and asked him how humans could worship such a shameless, couture-wearing egomaniac who thinks she’s “the cosmic consciousness’ gift to all sentient life-forms.”

(…)

“Vortox said: ‘As soon as we beamed the Earth woman you call Paris Hilton onto our ship she began criticizing our wardrobes, hairstyles, and makeup. My wife Vizbin is the personal stylist for everyone on this ship and suffered emotional injury,’ ” related Vanderhorn.

“Then Paris insisted she would sing for us. She opened her mouth and emitted the most horrible screeching cacophony I have ever heard. I was forced to cover my antennae and recite the Intergalactic Federation’s Pledge of Brotherhood until it stopped.

“We wanted to question this Paris about her life on Earth, but all she did was smile and pretend to pose for paparazzi pictures until I was tempted to set my proton blaster to ‘annihilate’ and and send her disassembled atoms hurtling into the void.

“As if that weren’t enough, she spoke of all the Earth parties she has attended and started listing every pair of designer shoes she owns. It was so many that I fear I regurgitated a bit in several of my orifices.

“When she began extolling the apparently infinite perfection of her flawless no-tan-lines body, it was all I could do not to turn the proton blaster upon myself. Just as she began to describe her daily beauty routine, I opened the vacu-door and shoved her out.”

I think the date of official First Contact has just been set back by at least a hundred years.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

1 Comment

  • 1. ::matthew  |  November 28th, 2007 at 8:44 am

    The aliens should have known what they were getting into with her, but too bad about the proton blasters. Annihilate would be the correct setting.


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