Archive for January 15th, 2008


Anyone toying with the idea of getting a tattoo should probably check this out first.

I think the Valuable Lesson to be learned here is that nothing can possibly be more awesome than a full-back Darth Vader.

(h/t the shadowy and mysterious Codename V.)

5 comments January 15th, 2008 at 11:42pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weirdness

Wanker Of The Year

Yeah, I know it’s early, but this is just pure evil:

Limbaugh:…Obama is holding his own against both of them–doing more than his share of the “spade” work. Maybe even gaining ground at the moment. Using not only the spade ladies and gentleman—that when he finishes with the “spade” in the garden of corruption planted by the Clinton’s, he turns to the “hoe.” And so the spade work and his expertise using a hoe.

What a truly, perfectly horrible person. He will, of course, simultaneously claim that he didn’t have any racial undertones in mind and that it was just a joke, and liberals have no sense of humor.

The man makes Imus sound like Martin Luther King.

1 comment January 15th, 2008 at 10:20pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Obama,Racism,Republicans,Wankers

Tom Coughlin, Talespinner

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin reminisces about his days in Green Bay (where his current and former teams will compete for a Superbowl berth this Sunday):

Coughlin was once a wide receivers coach in Green Bay, before he came to the Giants in a similar capacity. Like Manning, Coughlin is not a fountain of anecdotes when it comes to frigid environs, or anything else.

“I don’t remember,” Coughlin said. “Of course it was cold. I don’t remember any game that was more cold than others. From Thanksgiving on, you can expect any kind of weather at that point in time. I remember a day in Chicago one day that was really cold.”

I’m not sure if that’s really the full quote, or if Bondy chopped it there for effect. For all I know, Coughlin could have gone on at length about how it was so cold that they had to pour warm water on the receivers’ hands to remove the ball, or he could have just continued on in the same vein: “And then there was this other day in Denver which was almost as cold as that day in Chicago, but not quite, and this day in Buffalo that was colder than both of them, and then there was that day in Dallas that wasn’t very cold at all…”

I also liked the bit about Bret Favre possibly being part Yeti.

Oh, and before I forget…


January 15th, 2008 at 08:13pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Quotes,Sports

If You Liked Dubya’s Petty Cruelty, You’ll Love Huckabee!

Hey, remember when Huckabee got that serial rapist paroled because he claimed to have found Jesus and Huck had all this compassion for him, and the guy immediately went out and raped and killed a woman, and probably two? Well, what happens if someone genuinely gets religion, but it’s the wrong one?

Frankie Parker was also a prisoner when Mike Huckabee became governor. And Frankie Parker was guilty; no one says otherwise. In 1984, under the influence of drugs and alcohol, he killed his former in-laws and held his ex-wife hostage. He was sentenced to be executed, and after years of hearings and appeals and stays, the execution was scheduled for September 17, 1996….

…One day, while Parker was in solitary confinement, he asked for a Bible. The Bible was the only book prisoners in solitary were allowed to read. A guard – possibly thinking this would be a nice joke – tossed him a copy of the Dhammapada instead. Frankie found Buddhism.


A Zen priest gave Parker jukai, which is something like confirmation as a Buddhist. Several prominent Tibetan masters visited him. Prominent American Zen teachers, including Philip Kapleau and Robert Aitken, wrote letters on behalf of Parker. According to the New York Times, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Mother Theresa both wrote to Governor Huckabee urging him to commute Parker’s death sentence and let him serve life in prison.

And do you know what the Rev. Mr. Huckabee did? He moved Parker’s execution date from September 17 to August 8 so he would be executed six weeks sooner. And he was.

Now there’s some compassionate Christian convertavism for you, eh? As ellroon says, “Doesn’t this story remind you of someone we know?”

I think there’s some kind of minimum threshold for evil that you have to meet before you can run for president as a Republican… and it’s really freakin’ high, like, almost Hannibal Lecter high.

January 15th, 2008 at 06:49pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Bush,Elections,Huckabee,Religion,Wankers

Invasion Of The Floating Space Brains

This may very well be the most bizarre theory I have ever seen:

The basic problem is that across the eons of time, the standard theories suggest, the universe can recur over and over again in an endless cycle of big bangs, but it’s hard for nature to make a whole universe. It’s much easier to make fragments of one, like planets, yourself maybe in a spacesuit or even — in the most absurd and troubling example — a naked brain floating in space. Nature tends to do what is easiest, from the standpoint of energy and probability. And so these fragments — in particular the brains — would appear far more frequently than real full-fledged universes, or than us. Or they might be us.Alan Guth, a cosmologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who agrees this overabundance is absurd, pointed out that some calculations result in an infinite number of free-floating brains for every normal brain, making it “infinitely unlikely for us to be normal brains.” Welcome to what physicists call the Boltzmann brain problem, named after the 19th-century Austrian physicist Ludwig Boltzmann, who suggested the mechanism by which such fluctuations could happen in a gas or in the universe. Cosmologists also refer to them as “freaky observers,” in contrast to regular or “ordered” observers of the cosmos like ourselves. Cosmologists are desperate to eliminate these freaks from their theories, but so far they can’t even agree on how or even on whether they are making any progress.


The expansion of the universe seems to be accelerating, making galaxies fly away from one another faster and faster. If the leading dark-energy suspect, a universal repulsion Einstein called the cosmological constant, is true, this runaway process will last forever, and distant galaxies will eventually be moving apart so quickly that they cannot communicate with one another. Being in such a space would be like being surrounded by a black hole.

Rather than simply going to black like “The Sopranos” conclusion, however, the cosmic horizon would glow, emitting a feeble spray of elementary particles and radiation, with a temperature of a fraction of a billionth of a degree, courtesy of quantum uncertainty. That radiation bath will be subject to random fluctuations just like Boltzmann’s eternal universe, however, and every once in a very long, long time, one of those fluctuations would be big enough to recreate the Big Bang. In the fullness of time this process could lead to the endless series of recurring universes. Our present universe could be part of that chain.

In such a recurrent setup, however, Dr. Susskind of Stanford, Lisa Dyson, now of the University of California, Berkeley, and Matthew Kleban, now at New York University, pointed out in 2002 that Boltzmann’s idea might work too well, filling the megaverse with more Boltzmann brains than universes or real people.

In the same way the odds of a real word showing up when you shake a box of Scrabble letters are greater than a whole sentence or paragraph forming, these “regular” universes would be vastly outnumbered by weird ones, including flawed variations on our own all the way down to naked brains, a result foreshadowed by Martin Rees, a cosmologist at the University of Cambridge, in his 1997 book, “Before the Beginning.”

The conclusions of Dr. Dyson and her colleagues were quickly challenged by Andreas Albrecht and Lorenzo Sorbo of the University of California, Davis, who used an alternate approach. They found that the Big Bang was actually more likely than Boltzmann’s brain.

“In the end, inflation saves us from Boltzmann’s brain,” Dr. Albrecht said, while admitting that the calculations were contentious. Indeed, the “invasion of Boltzmann brains,” as Dr. Linde once referred to it, was just beginning.

In an interview Dr. Linde described these brains as a form of reincarnation. Over the course of eternity, he said, anything is possible. After some Big Bang in the far future, he said, “it’s possible that you yourself will re-emerge. Eventually you will appear with your table and your computer.”

But it’s more likely, he went on, that you will be reincarnated as an isolated brain, without the baggage of stars and galaxies. In terms of probability, he said, “It’s cheaper.”

Craziness. And I’ve only excerpted maybe a quarter of the whole thing.

I have to say, if I really am a spontaneously-formed random electric brain floating in space, and everything else is a figment of my imagination, then I must be a helluva lot smarter and more creative than I ever thought possible.

2 comments January 15th, 2008 at 11:35am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Science,Weirdness

The Answer To All Our Problems

Jimmy Carter explains why he is the only man who can save us, in his inimitable and surprisingly foul-mouthed way:

Sometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. ‘Cause, unless I’m missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you’re gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in ’08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who’s gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and – boom! – restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems – I got ’em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.


But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It’s not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in ’79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful – I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.


Oh, what’s that I hear? The weather’s all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin‘-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we’d all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we’d still be sucking Saudi Arabia’s dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn’t get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he’s the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.


You want compassion? Somebody who’s looking out for the little guy? Why don’t you take a look at Jimmy Carter, ’cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I’ll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats’ asses they’ll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.

Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.

Okay, so he’s maybe gotten a little bitter over the past 27 years, but really, can you blame him?

He does have four years of eligibility left, you know…

(h/t C&L)

3 comments January 15th, 2008 at 07:26am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Democrats,Elections,Politics

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