I’ll See Your Breck Girl And Raise You A Carrot Face

3 comments January 6th, 2008at 05:28pm Posted by Eli

This could very well be The Greatest Kos Diary Ever:

…I wanted to watch the Republican debate just to hear the other candidates respond to Ron Paul. Unfortunately, I had a scheduling conflict so I asked a kid to take notes for me…. [T]his is not snark. This is a straight rendition from a 9 year old. The only changes I made were for spelling errors (except the names).

It must have been more difficult than I thought to keep track of all the new names. That’s the only reason I can think of to explain why this reporter devised a new naming strategy to keep track of the candidates. Aside from that, it seems they got all the high points.

(…)

They are rude
Interrupt alot!

Beagle Eyes
Arrogant foreign policy
We need 400,000 troops
Don’t let politicians get involved
Leave it to military with blood on their boots.

Carrot Face
President policy good
War good
Patriot Act good
Electric snooping good
Capturing Saddam mistake
Surge mistake
Clinton peace dividend bad
We need more troops
We need more ships

Wrinkles
Constitution has 10 Amendments
Immigration is bad
Secure border from immigration

Sarge
Bush right
America is safe
America is not safe
America is safe
Rumsfeld failure
Petraeus is good
Strategy was bad
Now it is good

Sarge is confusing

Bunny Ears
We are bullies
Policemen
If not listening we bomb them.
If listening we give them money.

Oily, Wrinkles and Carrot Face are making fun of Bunny Ears.

Carrot Face
Olympics got attacked

Fight. Fight. Interrupt. Fight.

New topic

Healthcare best in the world.
War funds for health care
10% inflation
Inflation needs to be under control

Oily
They don’t need Hillery care?

Bunny Ears
People go to India for heart surgery
airplane + hotel + surgery = 50% of cost in America.
People don’t have health insurance.

Wrinkles is making fun of Bunny Ears again.

Wrinkles and Oily fighting about man dates.
Oily says man dates are ok sometimes.
Wrinkles doesn’t like dating men.
Fight.Fight.

Back to health

Beagle Eyes
Get everyone insured!
We have disease care.
Affordability is good.
$1,000 for Kleenex in a hospital (no way!)

Incentives to keep cost down.
The power of the pharmaceutical companies.

New Topic

Unattributed
Republican elephant hate democrats
Temporary work program.
Secure borders

Beagle Eyes
We are all God’s children

Carrot face
12,000,000 illegal immigrants
Juliani was a mayor.

Sarge
John Micane never supported amnesty
Charge $5,000 to stay
attack ads

Wrinkles
Immigrants should not be rewarded

Fight.Fight. Interrupt. Fight

Oily
Do not sent 12,000,000
Ronald Reagan on some commercial.

Wrinkles
New York is a Sanctuary City
Send people to the end of the line to live there.

Beagle Eyes
They can deport themselves.

Bunny Ears
Get rid of income tax
oil costs $100 per barrel.
Inflation bad.
dollar down
gold up
oil up

Oily, Sarge, Wrinkles and Carrot Face making fun of Bunny Ears.
Beagle Eyes is listening to Bunny Ears.

Sarge
We need wind, solar, nuclear
Reduce green house gases
Reduce gas emissions
Reduce our demand

Oily
More about amnesty
Legal immigration good

New Topic

Sarge
Obama doesn’t have the background to lead.

No candidate likes Obama.
Republicans don’t think he’ll be a good president.
Obama gonna win.

—————-
Here is a list in case you haven’t already figured out which nickname refers to which candidate:

McCain = Sarge
Thompson = Wrinkles
Paul = Bunny Ears
Romney = Oily
Huckabee = Beagle Eyes
Giuliani = Carrot Face

Absolutely brilliant. And yet also depressing, because it means that 99% of our professional media are less perceptive than a 4th-grader.

Entry Filed under: Blogosphere,Elections,Politics,Republicans

3 Comments

  • 1. shoephone  |  January 7th, 2008 at 1:18 am

    This 9-year old is brilliant. I want to hire him/her to write my posts for me. (I got Thompson and McCain mixed up. It’s hard to tell when they are both wrinkly and act like sergeants. Even though McCain was higher up on the military food chain…)

  • 2. Multi Medium » Reve&hellip  |  January 7th, 2008 at 11:54 am

    […] One final thought on the great Sarge/Oily/Beagle Eyes/Carrot Face debate post: […]

  • 3. Multi Medium » Best&hellip  |  January 9th, 2008 at 1:10 am

    […] Vermin Supreme is pretty clearly the best candidate the GOP has to offer.  What self-respecting Republican wouldn’t vote for Fake Ass over Sarge, Oily, Carrot Face, or Beagle Eyes? […]


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