The Answer To All Our Problems

3 comments January 15th, 2008at 07:26am Posted by Eli

Jimmy Carter explains why he is the only man who can save us, in his inimitable and surprisingly foul-mouthed way:

Sometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. ‘Cause, unless I’m missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you’re gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in ’08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who’s gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and – boom! – restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems – I got ’em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.


But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It’s not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in ’79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful – I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.


Oh, what’s that I hear? The weather’s all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin‘-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we’d all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we’d still be sucking Saudi Arabia’s dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn’t get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he’s the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.


You want compassion? Somebody who’s looking out for the little guy? Why don’t you take a look at Jimmy Carter, ’cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I’ll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats’ asses they’ll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.

Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.

Okay, so he’s maybe gotten a little bitter over the past 27 years, but really, can you blame him?

He does have four years of eligibility left, you know…

(h/t C&L)

Entry Filed under: Democrats,Elections,Politics


  • 1. ina  |  January 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am

    Good Morning, Eli.

    I don’t usually do the onion, ’cause even though I think you’re really funny, they don’t usually make me laugh (it’s more like a groan).

    BUT–that was swell!

    he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia.

    Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit!

    Yay, Jimmy! I hope it made him laugh.

  • 2. Eli  |  January 15th, 2008 at 10:52 am

    My problem with the Onion is that our political system and politicians have become so insane IRL that they’re almost impossible to parody. But the Jimmy Carter thing cracked me up.

  • 3. shortstop  |  January 15th, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    The Onion’s stories are always about six paragraphs too long for the joke. But maybe not this time. I’ve been chortling about this one for days.

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