Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

2 comments January 2nd, 2008at 07:33am Posted by Eli

Admit it, you’ve been dying to know who the hottest guys in the Bible are:

Studies have shown that women are up to 45 percent more likely to read the Bible than men. And no wonder! “With the exception of Delilah and Jezebel, the hot men in the Bible outnumber the hot women 10 to 1.,” says Bibliologist Judith Stanley, author of the renowned book Guide to Holy Hotties. “By reading between the lines, it’s become clear who was sexy and attractive and who was fat and ugly (and boy was Mary a dog)!” …Stanley shares her list of the most handsome hunks in the Good Book exclusively with WWN readers:

1. Jesus. “Jesus was the ultimate hunk,” says Stanley. “God knew no-one wants to worship an ugly savior. That’s why he made Jesus in the image of men He saw on the cover of romance novels. The heaving chest; long, flowing locks like Fabio’s; dark features and a square chin attracted hordes of formerly pagan women.”

2. Adam. When God created Adam, he had no idea how sexy the first man should be to make a female want to sleep with him. So God gave Adam such a huge dose of testosterone that when Eve finally came along she would have been very pleased, except she had no basis for comparison.

3. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. “Jesus was no fool,” says Stanley. “He knew people, especially women, weren’t going to commit their lives to hideous men with beer bellies and warts, so he picked only the most attractive men with the most sex appeal. Mark especially wowed the ladies with his six-pack abs, and was constantly walking around toga-less. Luke was a physician. Everyone knows chicks dig doctors. And let’s not forget Matthew was also called ‘Levi,’ because he was the first man with a great ass in jeans.”

4. Noah. Noah wasn’t the greatest to look at, but he had a big boat and gals really go nuts for a guy with a yacht. Also, he was constantly going on about how much he loved animals, showing that he wasn’t afraid to display his feminine side – a real turn-on for the ladies.

5. Moses. “Oh the things Moses could get away with!” says Stanley. “Do you honestly think he could get the Israelites to give up their nice, cozy homes to wander around in the desert for 40 years unless he had animal magnetism out the wazoo? Of course not.”

6. Satan. “For some reason, there are tons of women who like a guy who’s gone wrong,” says Stanley. “They’re the nurturing kind who feel they can ‘help’ him. Also, it didn’t hurt that he had red, glowing eyes that made biblical women melt under his steady, manly gaze.”

7. Angel Gabriel. …”What God didn’t realize was that Gabriel liked to get off to Sodom and Gomorrah for weekends to enjoy a couple days of debauchery. The loose women of S&G adored him. But the party was over when God got fed up with their shenanigans and smote the place.”

8. Job. “Because Job was a kind, sensitive man who was made to suffer many, many hardships, he got the sympathy vote from the women,” says Stanley. “Lots of times, he acted more upset than he was just to keep the ladies around. He was something of a drama queen.”

I love the bit about Job being a drama queen. Brilliant.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


  • 1. Pain  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 6:56 am

    Please tell Us tthat this is some sort of sick joke before We Sizzile/Google™ Judith Stanley and find out that this woman is real and is serious about her “theories” about the attractiveness of Terran biblical figures forcing Us to go on an eye scratching rampage throughout our fair city of Dis.

    Please. Tell Us the sheeple whackjobs have not gone this far to make sexy their message. These people have taken the red pill and are smiling as they run toward the cliffs.

  • 2. Eli  |  January 3rd, 2008 at 7:34 am

    Are you not familiar with the Weekly World News’s oeuvre?

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