Wednesday Surrogate Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

4 comments February 6th, 2008at 07:45am Posted by Eli

In what will hopefully be a regular feature, this week’s installment of WWILTWWNB is written by the lovely and talented Alicia Morgan of Last Left Turn Before Hooterville. Let’s give her a warm Multi Medium welcome… whatever the hell that means.

Space Alien: We’ve Been Invaded By Scientologists!

PLANET XORBITRON, 12TH QUADRANT, Milky Way – In a bizarre and shocking turnaround, a space alien is complaining about being invaded by Scientologists.

The alien, who spoke only on condition of anonymity for fear of retribution by the hyper-litigious organization, maintains that his home planet is being invaded by Scientologists, who are enslaving his fellow Xorbitronians.

“They are psychically infesting each and every one of us!”, declared Qrrzt (not his real name.) “Hundreds of them are crawling all over our spirits, and stealing away all of our powers, leaving us logy and irritable and prone to gout!”

But, unfortunately, no one on his planet is paying him any attention.

“I’ve tried to warn others of my race about this deadly threat, but everyone thinks I’m a crackpot,” he said sadly. “Believe me, I know how crazy it sounds. If it hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t believe it either. Imagine anything so ridiculous as a host of crazed Earthlings, so evolved that they have transcended their bodies and now roam the universe in search of hapless alien civilzations to feed off of, led by the wicked and powerful Lord Ellaraitch who hypnotizes his followers and implants false beliefs and nutty ideas into them, so that they will do his evil bidding!”

Qrrzt explained that he had discovered the existence of these beings from Planet Earth when a mild case of psoriasis turned into an oozing, suppurating rash. He was seized by a scratching fit, but as his eight-fingered claws dug into his scaly flesh, he noticed that the scratching was releasing hundreds upon hundreds of psychic Earth-monsters into the air from his pores. Unable to believe his seventeen eyes, he attempted to follow them, but they all vanished, save for one who was bouncing up and down on his couch. Creeping up behind it, he lassoed it with a sticky tentacle and demanded an explanation.

“Hey, ” it cried, according to Qrrzt, “what are you – a psychiatrist?” The terrified alien denied any such thing, but the creature jabbed its spectral finger into his face and insisted, “I know the history of psychiatry! You don’t!” The extraterrestrial claims it went on to inform him that, now that he knew about the existence of the Earthly spirit-suckers, he could not be permitted to warn his fellow Xorbitronians and must accompany the Earthlings back to their home planet, where he would be enrolled in many expensive classes until he saw the error of his ways. Qrrzt says he refused, and the creature shrieked, “It doesn’t matter anyway – you’re just being glib! No one will believe you! You can’t get away from us for long! No one is immune! ” And with that, says the anguished alien, the frenzied phantom disappeared in a puff of sulfur and Hai Karate.

During the ensuing weeks, explained the alien, he made the rounds of the local talk-shows, imploring everyone on Xorbitron and the tri-planetary area to beware of the disembodied Earthlings that were everywhere. His efforts were in vain, however, and he was derided and mocked for his trouble. At last, however, his attempts to warn the populace were noticed by Lord Ellaraitch, who promptly sent a battalion of his most intrepid celebrity servants to capture Qrrzt, box him up and ship him to Earth fourth-class for re-education and training with the power of their minds alone.

It was while he was stuffed into the packing box, he tells us, that his opportunity for escape came to him. So as to make his three-week stay in the box more secure, he was packed in crumpled-up newspapers – in the Weekly World News, as a matter of fact – the most fearless and intrepid source of journalism left on the planet. He knew immediately that his incredible story could only be told by this courageous paper. Hubert T. Snubb, a sympathetic FedEx employee (and a faithful reader of the WWN), helped Qrrzt make his getaway by disguising him in one of his own FedEx uniforms and putting him on a Greyhound bus to Lantana. “Gosh,” said Snubb, “When I heard the noises coming out of that box, I just knew I had to help that poor fella. Imagine going fourth-class across the whole galaxy! I been reading the Weekly World News for years, so of course I knew he was an alien. Him and me are kinda kindred spirits, you might say. Nobody believes me here either.”

Qrrzt is currently in the Intergalactic Witness Protection Program and sequestered in an undisclosed location for his own safety, but he is hopeful that authorities here on Earth will take him seriously.

“I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true,” he says.

I guess the Scientologists finally realized that it would be a lot easier to spread their religion through outer space.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

4 Comments

  • 1. Alicia Morgan  |  February 6th, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Thank you for letting me live my dream, Eli! The truth is out there!

  • 2. Eli  |  February 7th, 2008 at 12:24 am

    Hey, my pleasure! Nice work!

  • 3. Cujo359  |  February 7th, 2008 at 1:17 am

    How many quadrants are there on planet Xorbitron? Most planets are satisfied with four. Maybe they need a little Dianetics there.

  • 4. Alicia Morgan  |  February 7th, 2008 at 10:12 am

    You’re just being glib – I know the history of quadrants!


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