Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

April 23rd, 2008at 11:21am Posted by Eli

“Go to Hell” may not be such a terrible thing to say after all:

(By Lisa Merakis)

Photographer Johnny Corazzo died for seven minutes when his heart stopped during an operation, went to Hell – and says it was great, absolutely great!

The 51-year-old bachelor says Satan’s kingdom was full of fast cars, free booze, babes in bikinis, slot machines, hookers, greasy fried food and other amenities.  It was so terrific down there that he didn’t want to return to normal life again.

“In Hell I saw my best friend from the old neighborhood and when he told me it wasn’t my time yet I was really disappointed,” recalled Corazzo.

“I woke up in intensive care and I actually cried, thinking of the exciting scene I had left behind.”

“I want to be back there where things are hot.  I want to be having fun wil all those dudes down there.  But I guess Satan has plans for me here on Earth.”

(…)

“I remember travelling through a tunnel toward a bright light,” said Corazzo…  “Suddenly I came out into a huge space where I could see millions of people, many of whom I knew had died years ago.  These people were enjoying themselves, sitting around playing cards or drinking beer or playing the slots.

“They all looked so happy.  They were having so much fun.  There were beautiful babes all over the place, serving chicken nuggets, french fries and drinks.  I had ust grabbed a frosty bottle of beer when my old pal came up to me and told me I had to go back.  I was so upset.”

Corazzo said that since his glimpse of Hell, he’s lost his fear of death.  He says he can’t wait to die and go back to the great afterlife there.

But meanwhile, he intends to live a sinful life so he doesn’t wind up in Heaven by mistake.

“I know where the fun is now,” the photographer said, “No way do I want to spend eternity with a bunch of boring goody two-shoes in Paradise.”

You know, if they have Dr Pepper, it doesn’t sound half bad.  On the other hand, maybe this is just the version of Hell you see if you’re not going to stay dead, so you’ll be motivated to continue doing evil things.  Then, when you die permanently, you go to the real Hell, where you get disemboweled with rusty garden shears every hour on the hour.

Weekly World News also provided a helpful list of Signs You’re Going To Hell. My favorites:

  • You wear white after Labor Day
  • You own a Michael Jackson album on CD
  • You’ve occasionally asked God to damn something for you
  • You consider yourself a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual, metrosexual, or Democrat [by my math, this leaves only bisexual Republicans and Independents]
  • You’re a producer, director, or writer for a reality TV show
  • You enjoy movies with graphic violence, brief nudity, adult situations, or CGI effects
  • You engage in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation
  • You have rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa
  • You [have subscribed to] the Weekly World News

Bikini devil babes, here I come!

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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