Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

April 30th, 2008at 07:33am Posted by Eli

Ever wonder what kind of God the space aliens worship?

WEEKLY World News sources have confirmed that a professor at Webster University… is in possession of a book that was printed on another world. What’s more, the thick volume isn’t a cookbook.

“It’s an alien bible,” said 41- year-old linguistics professor, Dr. Emmanuel Johnson, whose skill with foreign languages has earned him the nickname “Magic.” “And wait till you hear who their god is!”

The book was discovered by construction workers who were on their lunch break at the ‘Big Dig,’ the city’s new interstate tunnel. While the workers watched TV, the foreman was crushing soda cans against his massive forehead. When he ran out of them, he looked for something else to prove he was a hardhead as well as a hardhat. That was when he saw a large container half-buried in the earth. He dug it out, struck it hard against his brow and passed out. The vessel was unharmed but one of the workers spotted strange writing on the outside. Dr. Johnson was summoned along with paramedics.

“The first thing I noticed was that the markings were not the petroglyphs of Native Americans,” Dr. Johnson said. “There were numbers and mathematical signs. One of them almost looked like the letters UPN and NBC. If I didn’t know better I’d have sworn they were a TV schedule.”


Back in his library, Dr. Johnson opened the container.

“Being whacked against the foreman’s head had loosened the top,” Dr. Johnson said. “It popped right off. I began to wonder if, in fact, that was how the aliens opened containers on their world. If so, they must have suffered brain damage over time.”

Inside, Dr. Johnson found a small, thick book. The cover illustration showed a constellation that bore the unmistakable likeness of Oprah Winfrey. Stunned, he opened the book, which consisted of multicolored, cloth-like materials. The writing glowed when the professor looked at it.

“It was an illuminated manuscript,” Dr. Johnson explained. “I was immediately able to translate the title, which is called Their Eyes Are Watching Me. The book was comprised of two sections: A Sacred Alien Testament: Written and a Sacred Alien Testament: Oral.”

“The Written Testament is the shorter of the two. Apparently, the aliens didn’t like to read much,” said Dr. Johnson. “The text explains that Oprahs exist on many worlds. There are probably colonies of them throughout the universe, possibly a Planet of the Oprahs. They all spring from the Oprah who wrote the alien bible. It is likely that Earth’s own Ms. Winfrey is descended from these beings.

“The Oral Testament actually speaks to the reader,” Dr. Johnson revealed. “Naturally, it talks in the authoritative but reassuring voice of Oprah.

“It begins with a section called ‘Syndication,’ which encourages aliens to do good deeds on other worlds, including the Earth,” Dr. Johnson continued. “We suspect that the alien visitors who owned this bible were missionaries, members of Oprah’s ‘The Angel Connection.’ It instructs acolytes on the basics of worship, including the use of something called ‘the remote.’

“Then there’s a section called ‘The Boutique’ where you can obtain items like loungewear for worship, mugs for sacred beverages and caps to show your devotion to the ‘Big O’ as she is also called. This is followed by ‘The Books of Oprah’ which are a collection of stories and poems she likes. Most of these were written by an angel named Maya. Next there’s a chapter called ‘Ooooo’ which is all about the do’s and don’ts of sex. Finally, there’s a very thin section on dealing with ‘loss’ — weight loss. The foundation of the diet is the consumption of something called ‘stedman graham crackers.’ This chapter contains erasures which suggest that it was once much, much thicker. “We have only begun to delve into the volume, which is extremely complex.”

Dr. Johnson intends to continue his studies of the alien bible and the other artifacts from the Big Dig.

“All I can say is I hope the aliens return to Earth,” he told Weekly World News. “They’d be impressed at how much Oprah has influenced our own culture!”

I believe the ur-Oprah that all other Oprahs are descended from is known as “The Grand Ol’ Oprah.”

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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