Archive for May 28th, 2008

More Hageeography

Boy, it sure is a good thing McCain cut ties to Pastor Hagee, or people might really question his judgment for seeking this guy’s endorsement:

Writer Matt Taibbi has a hilarious account of going undercover to the camp of former John McCain supporter Rev. John Hagee. One highlight is requiring the faithful to throw up “demons” that range from “incest” to “hand-writing analysis.” When reading the article below, keep in mind that these people are allowed to vote, drive, and have children.

One of the funnier moments came with Taibbi sharing his “wound” and the best he could come up with was that his alcoholic circus clown father would beat him with his over-sized shoes. Yet, the greatest moment came with the spiritual puking when the faithful were told not to pray because the demons would not leave through their mouth if Jesus was there.

“When the word of God is in your mouth,” he said, “the demons can’t come out of your body. You have to keep a path clear for the demon to come up through your throat. So under no circumstances pray to God. You can’t have God in your mouth. You can cough, you might even want to vomit, but don’t pray.”

The crowd nodded along solemnly. Fortenberry then explained that he was going to read from an extremely long list of demons and cast them out individually. As he did so, we were supposed to breathe out, keep our mouths open and let the demons out.

And he began.
. . .
“In the name of Jesus, I cast out the demon of incest! In the name of Jesus, I cast out the demon of sexual abuse! In the name of Jesus. . . .”
. . .
“In the name of Jesus,” continued Fortenberry, “I cast out the demon of astrology!”

Coughing and spitting noises. Behind me, a bald white man started to wheeze and gurgle, like he was about to puke. Fortenberry, still reading from his list, pointed at the man. On cue, a pair of life coaches raced over to him and began to minister. One dabbed his forehead with oil and fiercely clutched his cranium; the other held a paper bag in front of his mouth.

“In the name of Jesus Christ,” said Fortenberry, more loudly now, “I cast out the demon of lust!”

And the man began power-puking into his paper baggie. I couldn’t see if any actual vomitus came out, but he made real hurling and retching noises.
. . .
“In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast out the demon of cancer!” said Fortenberry.

“Oooh! Unnh! Unnnnnh!” wailed a woman in the front row.

“Bleeech!” puked the bald man behind me.

Within about a minute after that, the whole chapel erupted in pandemonium. About half the men and three-fourths of the women were writhing around and either play-puking or screaming. Not wanting to be a bad sport, I raised my hand for one of the life coaches to see.

“Need . . . a . . . bag,” I said as he came over.

He handed me a bag.

“In the name of Jesus, I cast out the demon of handwriting analysis!” shouted Fortenberry.

Handwriting analysis? I jammed the bag over my mouth and started coughing, then went into a very real convulsion of disbelief as I listened to this astounding list, half-laughing and half-retching.

“In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, I cast out the demon of the intellect!” Fortenberry continued. “In the name of Jesus, I cast out the demon of anal fissures!”

I looked for a denial from Hagee’s church, but could not find one….

Intellect is a demon.  And anal fissures.  All you need to know, really.

(h/t Phoenix Woman)

May 28th, 2008 at 11:55pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: McCain,Republicans

And Now, Your Moment Of BWAHAHA.

Ever get the feeling that this just might not be your year?

When the deadline for certification passed yesterday, Jim Ogonowski, the Republican leadership’s choice to challenge US Senator John F. Kerry, was 82 signatures short of qualifying for the GOP primary ballot, according to the state’s central voter registry.

But Ogonowski’s campaign aides contend there are enough certified signatures at various town offices around the state not filed yet on the computerized registry to put him across the 10,000 threshold.

(…)

“We are confident that we have the required amount of signatures,” said Alicia Preston, Ogonowski’s press secretary.

Even if Ogonowski does get the 82 signatures he needs, his fight probably is not over.

Election specialists say he will not have the needed cushion of extra signatures to insulate himself from legal challenges.

Ogonowski’s only primary opponent, Jeff Beatty, is expected to challenge the validity of his signatures before the ballot law commission.

Wow.  What a complete organizational collapse.  Er, um, I mean, this can only be good for Republicans.  It will, uh, free up NRSC resources for other, more competitive races!  Yeah, that’s it!  They totally meant to do that!

1 comment May 28th, 2008 at 09:13pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Elections,Politics,Republicans

Al Qaeda Is Not A Truck

See, this is the sort of thing that happens when you don’t have Joe Correcterman to whisper in your ear:

[Ted Stevens on] KFQD with conservative talk show host Dan Fagan:

We expect Al Qaeda to come out some time today with a new manifesto where they ought to be using weapons of mass destruction against the United States. That means that they’re realizing they can’t win in Iraq. I think they’re going to change their way of doing business. And I think we have to be on the alert. These people are all over the world. Al Qaeda’s not just in Iraq. They’re in Iran. They’re in the Philippines. Sen Inouye and I went down to [indistinguishable]. They’re over in Indonesia. They’re all over.

This sounds strange at first, until you realize that al Qaeda is actually a series of tubes.

1 comment May 28th, 2008 at 06:44pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Iran,McCain,Republicans,Terrorism,War

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Very superstitious…

“People know that bad luck is supposed to befall anyone whose path is crossed by a black cat,” said superstition expert David Goth. “However, my findings indicate that cats are only one of many ominous creatures to be avoided.”

While researching the Salem Witch Trials last month, Goth discovered a book called Black Beasts.

“It was hidden in the floorboards of a house that belonged to the first coven to dwell in the town,” said Goth. “It’s over four hundred years old and details a number of hitherto unknown spells and curses. But I was most interested in the reported consequences of encountering other black animals.”

The first cursed animals mentioned in Black Beasts were goats.

“While not much of a problem now, people often had black goats cross their paths in the 1600s, when farmers commonly walked them through the town,” said Goth. “Little did these agrarian people know that they were causing the facial hair of onlookers to grow one hundred times faster than normal.”

Goth released a list of other hexed creatures that witches used to work evil spells. Among them were:

Black flies: They make people deathly allergic to insect bites.

Black horses: They give people huge sores on their seats.

Black birds: They make people fall out of love with their spouses.

Black bats: They trap the blood in a person’s head and cause terrible migraines.

Black bears: They put people into a coma for several months.

Black squirrels: They drive people nuts.

“This book could explain a number of mysterious maladies that people have suffered over the years,” said Goth. “I was most intrigued by the animal that caused family members to suddenly hate and ostracize the person whose path it crossed.

“I’m definitely going to stay away from black sheep from now on.”

“David Goth”?

May 28th, 2008 at 11:20am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Et Tu, Scotté?

I’m not the least bit surprised by the revelations/accusations, but I am pretty surprised by the source:

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan writes in a surprisingly scathing memoir to be published next week that President Bush “veered terribly off course,” was not “open and forthright on Iraq,” and took a “permanent campaign approach” to governing at the expense of candor and competence.

Among the most explosive revelations in the 341-page book, titled “What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception” (Public Affairs, $27.95):

• McClellan charges that Bush relied on “propaganda” to sell the war.

• He says the White House press corps was too easy on the administration during the run-up to the war.

• He admits that some of his own assertions from the briefing room podium turned out to be “badly misguided.”

• The longtime Bush loyalist also suggests that two top aides held a secret West Wing meeting to get their story straight about the CIA leak case at a time when federal prosecutors were after them — and McClellan was continuing to defend them despite mounting evidence they had not given him all the facts.

• McClellan asserts that the aides — Karl Rove, the president’s senior adviser, and I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, the vice president’s chief of staff — “had at best misled” him about their role in the disclosure of former CIA operative Valerie Plame’s identity.

(…)

The eagerly awaited book, while recounting many fond memories of Bush and describing him as “authentic” and “sincere,” is harsher than reporters and White House officials had expected.

McClellan was one of the president’s earliest and most loyal political aides, and most of his friends had expected him to take a few swipes at his former colleague in order to sell books but also to paint a largely affectionate portrait.

Instead, McClellan’s tone is often harsh. He writes, for example, that after Hurricane Katrina, the White House “spent most of the first week in a state of denial,” and he blames Rove for suggesting the photo of the president comfortably observing the disaster during an Air Force One flyover. McClellan says he and counselor to the president Dan Bartlett had opposed the idea and thought it had been scrapped.

But he writes that he later was told that “Karl was convinced we needed to do it — and the president agreed.”

“One of the worst disasters in our nation’s history became one of the biggest disasters in Bush’s presidency. Katrina and the botched federal response to it would largely come to define Bush’s second term,” he writes. “And the perception of this catastrophe was made worse by previous decisions President Bush had made, including, first and foremost, the failure to be open and forthright on Iraq and rushing to war with inadequate planning and preparation for its aftermath.”

(…)

“I still like and admire President Bush,” McClellan writes. “But he and his advisers confused the propaganda campaign with the high level of candor and honesty so fundamentally needed to build and then sustain public support during a time of war. … In this regard, he was terribly ill-served by his top advisers, especially those involved directly in national security.”

(…)

McClellan repeatedly embraces the rhetoric of Bush’s liberal critics and even charges: “If anything, the national press corps was probably too deferential to the White House and to the administration in regard to the most important decision facing the nation during my years in Washington, the choice over whether to go to war in Iraq.

“The collapse of the administration’s rationales for war, which became apparent months after our invasion, should never have come as such a surprise. … In this case, the ‘liberal media’ didn’t live up to its reputation. If it had, the country would have been better served.”

Wow.  History’s judgment continues to trickle out, doesn’t it.  My only complaint is that Scottie is a little too willing to let Dubya personally off the hook and blame everything on his advisers.  Who hired the advisers?  Who made the decision to listen to them even when their advice was obviously flawed at best, insane and evil at worst?  Bush is either a monster or a chump, and history will not be kind either way.

May 28th, 2008 at 07:20am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Books,Bush,Cheney,Corruption/Cronyism,Iraq,Libby/Plame,Politics,Republicans,Rove


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