Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

May 21st, 2008at 07:12am Posted by Eli

The WWN’s crack investigative team uncovers another diabolical conspiracy:

The Food and Drug Institute of America has uncovered evidence of a shocking plot perpetrated by the health food industry.

“We’ve discovered dozens of secret farms scattered across the country,” said FDIA investigator Frank Palmer. “Their purpose is to grow and harvest just one product: fat!

“My undercover sources have ascertained that these farms are growing fat in huge tubs, like living taffy,” Palmer said. “For the past two years they have been secretly injecting home-grown lard into cattle and cow milk — all the processed foods consumed by the American people.” But why would the health food industry be running such an operation?

“Although health food is growing in popularity, its revenue doesn’t begin to compare with that of the meat and dairy industries,” said Palmer. “By enhancing the fat content of the foods most Americans eat, they hope to cause people to gain weight more quickly, forcing them to turn to fruits and vegetables at a younger age. It’s an insidious plot.”

Naturally, leaders in the health food industry have denied these allegations, reiterating their mission to improve the health of mankind. “Introducing extra fat into the American diet would double the amount of heart disease, leading to higher death rates,” said Natural Heart Cuisine president Miles Willis. “Even if that didn’t matter to us ethically, it wouldn’t make much business sense to injure potential customers, would it?”

The FDIA isn’t so sure, and is continuing its efforts to prove the health food industry’s underhanded attempts to increase their profits.

“These guys may be dizzy from their leafy green salad diets,” said Palmer. “It’s only a matter of time before we have enough evidence to show that our suspicions carry weight.”

This is going to be huge.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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