Archive for June 18th, 2008

More Obama Rumors

Christopher Beam at Slate offers up some rumors that Obama should encourage:

Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times. Even in the shower.

(…)

Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never because he is STRONG.

(…)

Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.

Barack Obama’s new airplane includes a conference room, a kitchen, and a MEGACHURCH.

(…)

Barack Obama buys AMERICAN STUFF. He owns a FORD, a BASEBALL TEAM, and a COMPUTER HE BUILT HIMSELF FROM AMERICAN PARTS. He travels mostly by FORKLIFT.

Barack Obama says that Americans cling to GUNS and RELIGION because they are AWESOME.

It would be irresponsible not to speculate…

(h/t shadowy & mysterious Codename V.)

June 18th, 2008 at 09:26pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Coolness,Elections,Obama,Politics

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

It’s like the gag from Amelie on steroids…

(By Michael Chiron)

Bewildered NASA scientists are working overtime to solve a baffling mystery – after a space probe photographed Earth-type garden gnomes and pink flamingos on Mars!

Initial speculation that the images might have been the handiwork of a prankster at the space agency was shot out of the water when photos beamed back by another probe showed the same type of cheesy lawn ornaments littering the surface of the moon.

“Clearly we’re looking at a pattern, but exactly what’s going on here is a mystery to me – and I have three Ph.Ds,” declares astronomer and rocket scientist Dr. Henry Brinsezki, who has been working with NASA to solve the mind-bending riddle.

…Dr. Brinsezki confirms that the first set of images were taken in April 2001by the Mars Global Surveyor as it passed over a region of the Red Planet known as Cydonia.  And shockingly, they’ve been kept secret from the public ever since.

Then, just last month, another NASA probe photographed close to a dozen gnomes and flamingos in the moon’s Sea of Tranquillity.

Now NASA scientists are racking their brains, trying to come up with a logical explanation.

Among the theories currently being bandied about:

1) A shadowy organization known as the Gnome Liberation Group, known to be behind the kidnapping of thousands of gnomes from lawns going back a decade or more, placed the objects on the celestial bodies as a prank – or perhaps to give the little men their “freedom.”

“The trouble with this theory is that there’s no evidence that this organization has the funding or wherewithal to achieve space travel,” points out… Dr. Brinsezki.  “If they have, that’s almost as unsettling as the thought of aliens traipsing around our solar system.”

2) The objects are ancient artifacts left behind by a long-dead alien civilization that visited Earth eons ago and started the lawn ornament tradition on our world.

3) Modern-day ETs who like the way mankind’s lawn ornaments look placed them in the front yards of their hidden lunar and Martian bases in comparatively recent times.

So far, this theory has won the most adherents at NASA because some of the gnomes are just yards from where astronaut Neil Armstrong walked in 1969, yet he made no mention of having seen them.

The fact that goofy-looking lawn ornaments are cluttering the historic site actually has some NASA officials hopping mad.

“Frankly, no matter who put those gnomes and other junk on the moon and elsewhere, we want them gone,” fumes a NASA source who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “They’re making our solar system very tacky.”

Could be worse.  There could be lawn jockeys, and lunar rovers up on blocks.

Also, I have to admit that I kinda like the Garden Gnomes Of The Gods theory.  It’s probably the most logical explanation for the existence of garden gnomes and lawn flamingos that I’ve ever heard.

June 18th, 2008 at 11:34am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Which Is Better?

Would you rather have a right-wing Democratic wanker like Chris Carney who reliably votes with Republicans as your congresscritter, or an actual Republican?

I would argue that as long as the Democratic majority is not in danger, it is much better to have a true Republican in that seat, at least for the moment.  Why?  Two reasons:

1) Let their idiocy contribute to trashing the Republican brand instead of the Democratic one.  Bush Dogs like Carney contribute to the negative popular image of Democrats as feckless and ineffectual.

2) It’s not easy, but it’s easier for a progressive candidate to knock off a Republican incumbent than a Democratic one.  They’re not fighting the Democratic party leadership, and they’re going up against an opponent whose party’s brand is even more in the toilet than the Democrats’.  I think a lot of Bush Dogs are Democrats solely for that reason.

If you want to be a Democrat, then be a Democrat.  If not, then go join the other team.  I wish there was a mechanism to “excommunicate” the worst offenders, so that the DCCC & DSCC, and individual Democrats, would all refuse to support them in either general or primary elections.  How might the 2006 CT-SEN election might have turned out if such a policy were in place against Lieberman, I wonder.

(h/t Howie)

June 18th, 2008 at 06:52am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Democrats,Politics,Republicans,Wankers


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