Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

July 16th, 2008at 07:35am Posted by Eli

Well, this is considerably less sporting than I thought…

(By Vincenzo Sardi)

A new scientific examination of Goliath’s skull proves conclusively that David, in the words of one scholar, “putteth a hit” on the biblical giant with a .38-caliber handgun, NOT with a stone as most preachers tell us!

And some experts are suggesting that the incident, in fact, was a drive-by attack, with David having fired the weapon from a moving chariot!

A team of forensic pathologists using high-tech computer analysis reached their startling conclusions after examining holes in the forehead and the back of the ancient skull.

“The skull was penetrated by a .38-caliber slug that entered above the eyebrows at a high rate of speed and exited at the back of the head,” confirms Dr. David Ben-Levy, who coauthored the study, published in Israeli Archaeology Quarterly.

“A great mystery, of course, is what a handgun was doing in the Holy Land more than 3,000 years ago, centuries before the first known use of firearms.  We can only assume it was a gift from God.

“But an even bigger mystery is why the Lord in all his wisdom and power didn’t give David an Uzi or a rocket-launcher or a submachine gun.  He really does work in mysterious ways.”


The Bible talks of David loading his weapon, described as a “sling,” with five “stones.”  Miraculously, David used the weapon to strike down the far bigger man.


The sheer size of the skull – nearly 18 inches tall – has left little doubt among archaeologists that it did indeed belong to the warrior, by far the tallest man of his day.

But experts have always been puzzled about the huge hole at the back of the skull.

“It looks like a classic exit wound,” Dr. Ben-Levy explains.

Many stunned Bible scholars admit they’re baffled by the discovery.  But the Rev. John Deneck, a leading theologian, says the answer to the riddle may be simple: God knew that in a fair contest, Goliath would cut David to pieces, so He stepped in to help the boy.

“Since the Almighty was on David’s side, He could supply him with any weapon He chose – even one from another time,” the London-based clergyman points out.

But the biblical description of the battle of David and Goliath is contradicted by other writings of the era that say David “unleashed fire from his hand” and “putteth a hit on his foe.”

One account suggests Goliath was a victim of the world’s first drive-by shooting, with David riding past his foe on a chariot and squeezing off a single shot.

Another account says David had a second shooter – a sniper – waiting nearby, in case David’s marksmanship proved not up to the task.

Man, where’s CSI: Israel when you need it?

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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