Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

August 13th, 2008at 07:45am Posted by Eli

I think maybe Bat Boy has some competition…

The Federal Agency of Interstellar Contact has egg on its face after a botched assault on the half-breed space baby Ethan McCauley and his earth mother Stacey.

As revealed in Weekly World News (April 18, 2005), Stacey was abducted by that infamous alien Lothario, Moogera, and impregnated with his love child. Moogera is currently in federal custody under the NOTE (Not Of This Earth) Provisions.

Lt. Commander Jack Williams, FAIC public affairs liaison officer, told WWN, “When we first read about Baby Ethan in your paper, we were flabbergasted. We knew about Moogera and had been keeping an eye on him. But we had no idea that he had fathered a child with Ms. McCauley.

“The fact that young Ethan has many of the same extraterrestrial powers as his galactic deadbeat dad makes it imperative that we study him further. His powers of levitation alone, if harnessed, would be a tremendous asset to our military.”

WWN has learned from Ms. McCauley that when she was first contacted by FAIC representatives demanding custody of the child, she informed them, “The only way you’ll get my baby is to pry him from my cold dead hands!” The Feds hustled off to get a court order declaring Stacey an unfit mother for a space alien.
Her next-door neighbor, Ronnie New, told WWN what happened next.

“First, I have to tell you — it’s normal to see strange things going on at the McCauley home,” Ms. New said. “Weird lights in the middle of the night, mountain lions hissing at the door, alien beings hovering outside the window. But when three black sedans pulled up and a bunch of guys in cheap black business suits jumped out, that was unusual.”

(…)

“Her SUV was parked there,” New said. “She hauled butt down a dirt road to Grove Street. Then she really opened ’er up.”

Two CHiP officers manning a radar gun saw the speeding white SUV.

“We pursued her onto interstate 15 headed north,” said officer Chad Copper. “But the faster we went, the faster she went. It was like that 4×4 had afterburners. I could swear they were flying.”

After passing Lake Elsinore, Stacey left the freeway and headed into the mountains. She pulled into Doc Smith’s Gas Emporium.

“She kissed that pink-eyed spawn of hers and said, ‘I’ll just be a minute, honey,’ ” Doc Smith told WWN. “Then she came in to pay for a fill up and milk.”

But as she entered the store, the CHiPs closed in. Doc Smith said he heard the SUV door open and slam shut.
“Then I saw the craziest thing,” he said. “That baby was levitatin’ above the pumps! Suddenly, he took off like a bottle rocket.”

As the police called for aerial reconnaissance, the fast-flying Baby Ethan flew off. Traffic reporter Belle Daytona picked up the story.

“I was doing my morning rush hour broadcast when I saw this baby fly past,” she said. “I thought maybe a stork had dropped the poor thing and he got caught in an updraft. But no — this kid was flying.”
Belle said the child landed at the base of Mt. Kipling, near a small pond. He settled among a pack of coyotes. The animals scattered — then returned slowly, sniffing him and finally hoisting him onto their furry shoulders and carrying him off to a nearby cave.

“Ethan always got along well with animals,” a tearful Stacey told WWN. “It was like he could communicate with them.”

Stacey was given a summons for speeding — the only crime she had committed. Separately, she and the authorities then began a thorough search of Mt. Kipling and its surroundings hills. There was no sign of Ethan.

“Oh, they won’t find that tyke unless he wants to be found,” laughed Ronnie New. “I was once playing peek-a-boo with him. Between ‘peek’ and ‘boo’ he went off, got a container of yogurt, and dumped it on my head. He’s a playful kid — but weird. And fast.”

Maybe he’ll become feral enough to actually team up with Bat Boy – they’d be pretty unstoppable at… whatever it is they do.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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