Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Election Edition

September 17th, 2008at 11:36am Posted by Eli

Their election coverage is really good this year.  I think shutting down their print operation has made them a lot more responsive and nimble.

Palin Bags A Bigfoot

Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska.  Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species.  Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.

Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture.  Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.

McCain Challenges Obama To A Duel

Presidential nominee John McCain wants fellow nominee Barack Obama to put his campaign ads away and instead settle the election like gentlemen—by having a duel!

The bold challenge, publicly issued by McCain’s feisty Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, would spare the American people from the typical smear campaigns and save millions of dollars in citizens’ donations, according to McCain.

“In this way we are protecting all the American people: Democrats, Republicans and Independents,” Palin told Associated Press Television Network in an interview.

As conceived by McCain, the duel would be held in a neutral “purple” state such as Pennsylvania, with NBC News’ Tom Brokaw as the referee. Each leader would be allowed to bring along just two “seconds” to aide him in the man-to-man confrontation.

The combatants would use one previously agreed-upon weapon, “with president against president, vice president against vice president and first lady against first lady in a duel,” Palin proposed.

So, while Obama battled McCain, Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden would take on Palin, and Michelle Obama would rumble with Cindy McCain.

The Republicans haven’t proposed a specific weapon — pistols, swords, knives, battle axes, etc. That choice would be up to the Obama campaign.

Publicly, Obama’s team scoffed at McCain’s proposal. Campaign spokesperson Robert Gibbs said it did not warrant “a serious response.”

Behind the scenes, however, some Obama aides are toying with the idea.

“We have no doubt that Barack could take McCain — he jogs every day and is in tip-top condition,” said a campaign source.

“We are considering proposing a sword fight in which Barack’s long arms would have a significant advantage.”

I’m not clear exactly what would happen with a mixed outcome; I like the Obamas’ chances, but I’m not so sure about Biden.

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

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