Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging, Post-Election Edition

2 comments November 5th, 2008at 07:03pm Posted by Eli

The Weekly World News’ election coverage has been absolutely phenomenal this cycle, scooping the world on Sarah Palin’s alien heritage, John McCain’s cyborg heritage, Cindy McCain’s Norwegian Ice Sorceress heritage, and Barack Obama’s half-bat half-brother, Obatma. So it’s only natural that their post-election coverage would be uncannily insightful as well.  Three more stories that no other newspaper will dare to cover:

Endorsing Alien gets one wrong:

The Alien, well known for correctly endorsing every presidential winner since 1980, is in shock over his first losing endorsement.

The Alien was not available for comment, but issued a statement that sent his condolences to both the American public and Senator John McCain for getting it wrong….

Insiders believe the Alien will beam himself this evening to McCain’s home to offer the Senator a shoulder to cry on.

McCain gets counseling from PhD Ape:

After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

Before the polls even closed on the West Coast and the Big Sky states, PhD Ape was on a plane from New York, where he was counseling Guy Ritchie, to Arizona.

“John McCain will wake up tomorrow with a headache the likes he has never experienced,” PhD Ape told reporters….

“He has months and months worth of regrettable decisions all weighing down on his shoulders.  He will be reviewing all of those decisions, thinking ‘what if?’  It’s a very difficult time in a politicians life.”

PhD Ape has previously counseled failed politicians Barry Goldwater in 1964 and Al Gore in 2000.

“Fortunately the holidays are coming up.  It will be welcome distraction for John, and he has the next 2 months to come to terms with his failures,” PhD Ape told reporters waiting his arrival in Phoenix.

“By the time he returns to the Senate in the new year, John will be a confident, powerful leader in the Senate.   But it will take weeks and weeks of counseling.”

PhD Ape may be too late:

…John McCain is putting a Flux Capacitor on the Straight Talk Express. It appears that the GOP is resorting to time travel to secure the election.  McCain is expected to travel back in time later this evening and change several strategies of his earlier campaign.

Campaign officials have gone on record assuring voters that the time machine is eco-friendly and will run on all natural fusion from renewable Venusian grade Dark Matter.

There is much speculation about what strategic changes McCain will make, including whether he will pick a new running mate.  When asked about having her relevancy erased from existence, Palin instead talked about American Exceptionalism and rural anecdotes.

A functional time machine is currently being installed by the MIT Motor-Shop class who put the hydraulics, hover-conversion, and 13” sub-woofers on Stephen Hawking’s motorized chair.  McCain hopes the new “Tricked Out” look will help him appeal to younger voters.

Further changes in the timeline are not expected by the Arizona senator as the Republican campaign can only afford enough fuel to send him back roughly three months.

So much for coming to terms with his failures and not worrying about the what-ifs…

Entry Filed under: Elections,Weekly World News


  • 1. Leslie Grossnickle  |  November 7th, 2008 at 9:36 am

    Hi Eli –

    Thanks for supporting the Weekly World News :) We are glad to have you as a fan! We’ll do our best to keep you entertained with the post-election blogging.


    Corporate Development Manager
    Weekly World News

  • 2. Eli  |  November 8th, 2008 at 12:32 am

    I’m just relieved that you don’t mind. I’ve been expecting some kind of cease-and-desist ever since I started…

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