Archive for December 31st, 2008

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

I guess this isn’t exactly a surprise:

BY THE SEA, HONAH LEE – Amid the controversy surrounding an RNC member’s racist song, Puff the Magic Dragon has finally stepped forward to take a stand.

Chip Saltsman, a GOP strategist seeking to be the next chairman of the Republican National Committee, recorded and distributed to committee members a CD called “We Hate the USA” containing songs ridiculing liberals. But one parody, “Barack the Magic Negro”, set to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon”, has attracted the most controversy.


Puff has now stepped forward to declare his unhappiness. “I was frolicking in the autumn mist when little Jackie brought me my usual strings and sealing wax. He slipped in the daily paper, and I roared when I read what this Saltsman nitwit had done!”

He angrily blew smoke out of his nostrils. “Honah Lee is a magical land of inclusion, as stated in Constitutional Amendment 4 concerning non-discrimination. If I ever see that mooncalf, I’m taking him out sailing and only one of us is coming back, you know what I’m saying?”

Puff then cut the interview short to continue his allotted frolicking for the day.

Honah Lee sounds very nice.  I wonder what their emigration policy is like.

December 31st, 2008 at 09:28pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Bog Person, Iceman, Mummy, Or Fossil?

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If you had the option of becoming a bog person, an iceman, a mummy, or a fossil after your death, which would you choose?

Sure, bog people, icemen and mummies are all much cooler and better-preserved than fossils, but I don’t think they have the same eternal staying power.

Which is why, if given the choice, I would choose fossilization. Millions of years from now, the sentient cockroaches that rule the earth might someday unearth my bones and arrange them in a threatening pose in one of their museums, possibly holding a shoe and bearing a label like “Fearsome 21st-Century Predator” or “Ruthless Mass Murderer.”

Generally speaking, I don’t much care what happens to my body after I’m done with it, but the idea that it might someday scare the children of a distant and unimaginable future kinda tickles me.

5 comments December 31st, 2008 at 08:29pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

Raises For Those Who Need And Deserve Them Most… Not.

Epic Tone-Deaf Fail:

Members of Congress have at least one reason to ring in the new year: They’ve given themselves a $4,700-a-year pay raise starting Thursday.

With the economy in a recession and millions of Americans losing their jobs, however, members are under fire to rescind the pay hike, which will increase their base salaries to $174,000, roughly a 2.8 percent raise.

Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California will get a larger raise of about $6,100, though it’s about the same percent increase. Her salary will rise to nearly $223,500. Pelosi’s office declined to comment on the raise.


“Certainly, the timing could be a lot better. . . . When you look at the rest of the country, people are hoping to hang on to their jobs, much less get a salary increase or a bonus,” said Steve Ellis, the vice president of the watchdog group Taxpayers for Common Sense.

Other critics say that Congress has done nothing to deserve a raise.

“The general public can’t help but think that lawmakers are patting themselves on the back, and padding their wallets, for presiding over the worst fiscal-policy blunders in recent history,” said Pete Sepp, the vice president for policy and communications for the National Taxpayers Union.


Ellis said that Congress would be wise to delay its 2009 raise until the recession ended or unemployment declined. That would show that public officials are making a “shared sacrifice” during times of economic difficulty, he said.

While members of Congress will receive a raise, 12 percent of seniors are living at or below the poverty line, said Daniel O’Connell, the chairman of The Senior Citizens League. A senior who receives average Social Security benefits will get a $63 monthly increase in 2009, he said.

The congressional pay raise is expected to cost taxpayers $2.5 million next year.

“This money would be much better spent helping the millions of seniors who are living below the poverty line and struggling to keep their heat on this winter,” O’Connell said.

He said that members of Congress were increasing their salaries after questioning the multimillion-dollar compensation of auto executives earlier this month.

“As lawmakers make a big show of forcing auto executives to accept just $1 a year in salary, they are quietly raiding the vault for their own personal gain,” O’Connell said.

There are a few congresscritters, in both parties, who are at least making a show of doing the right thing:

Four members of Congress from Indiana have announced that they won’t accept the pay increase: Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh, Republican Reps. Mike Pence and Dan Burton and Democratic Rep. Brad Ellsworth.

In Florida, Republican Sen. Mel Martinez and Republican Reps. Gus Bilirakis and Ginny Brown-Waite said they’d vote to block the raise if congressional leaders allowed a vote. California Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein said she wanted nothing to do with the raise. Feinstein, the chair of the Senate Rules and Administration Committee, intends to donate her raise to charity…

As for the rest of them, well, not so much…

Finding anyone brave enough to defend the pay hike in Washington these days is like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. When they’re asked to comment, usually accessible members quickly go missing, are on vacation, are extremely busy with family members or can’t be reached on their cell phones because they’re in remote locations. Some congressional aides, however, speaking privately, said they wouldn’t be surprised if public pressure forced Congress to revisit the issue when members returned to work next week.

Even if they do end up cancelling the pay raise, they shouldn’t have needed to be shamed into it.  This was a golden opportunity to both do the right thing and score easy political points by showing solidarity with the millions of Americans who aren’t getting pay raises, or who will be lucky to even keep their jobs.

Maybe if they’d been doing such a super awesome bang-up job, I might feel differently, but… well.

1 comment December 31st, 2008 at 07:48am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Corruption/Cronyism,Democrats,Economy,Wankers

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