Archive for January 15th, 2009

Thursday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

I just couldn’t wait until next Wednesday, this stuff is just too good.

First off, Weekly World News scoops the world (as usual) on the recovery of the missing White House e-mails:

Aug 30, 2005
From: George W <>
To:   Turdblossom <>
Subj: Emergency

Do you know where the remote is?  The game is on later and I haven’t set it up to record.  The last place I saw it was in the Gameday remote cozy on the armchair, but I think Karl may have moved it.  Could you call in one of those tech guys?  Secret Service says they’re not allowed to help me look.

Mar 20, 2003
From: George W <>
To:   Colon Power! <>
Subj: Mtg Today

Is it true what they say about turkey making you tired?  Cause I’m thinking of ordering some turkey sandwiches, but I don’t want to look tired talking to the press later.

Apr 16, 2003
From: George W <>
To:   Mike The Spy <>
Subj: Presidential Security

As Director of the CIA, are you the guy I’d talk to about learning how to use throwing stars?

Nov 25, 2004
From: George W <>
To:   Turdblossom <>
Subj: Executive Discretion

Did I do anything stupid last night?  I only remember the first half of the luau, everything else is a blur and now I can’t find my pants.  If Laura asks, tell her I’m in a budget meeting.

Feb 6, 2008
From: George W <>
To:    Hutch <>
Subj: Pool

Could we get a slide put on the White House pool?  Or a wave machine?  Or is this something we should think about for Camp David?  I think it could really help break the ice with visiting dignitaries or heads of state.

I’m a little surprised about the identity of “Turdblossom”…

But enough about the old president, what about the new one?

In a stunning response to the passing of Ricardo Montalban, Barack Obama has announced last-minute changes to his upcoming inauguration.

Obama revealed today that he would immediately scrap all Abraham Lincoln references at his inauguration and instead would deliver a new theme of “Fantasy Inauguration”. In adhering to this theme, Obama will be clad for all inaugural festivities in the white-tie popularized by Montalban in his role as Mr. Roarke on the long-running television series. Obama also made the shocking announcement that his half-man half-bat half-brother Obatma would attend the inauguration and serve as his Tattoo.

Obama’s official announcement paid tribute to Montalban and his legacy. The announcement also took many by surprise in Washington.

Obama explained, “Abraham Lincoln was a great man, but Ricardo Montalban and the work he did on Fantasy Island holds far greater personal meaning to me. The opening scenes of the show were even filmed in my childhood state of Hawaii.”

He continued,  “America is a place, like Fantasy Island, where your dreams can come true. Sure, there is a price for making those dreams happen. That price is what we call ‘taxes’. My job as President, much like Mr. Roarke’s job on ‘Fantasy Island’, is making sure you get your money’s worth in making your dreams happen. Think of me as the new Mr. Roarke. The man who is going to make your dreams come true. This is truly America’s Fantasy Inauguration”.

I would have preferred a Prisoner inauguration, but I guess that would be kind of confusing and offputting to most people…

January 15th, 2009 at 09:34pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Jesus Is Just Like Hitler, But In A Good Way

Wow – I’m pretty used to conservatives comparing progressives to Hitler, but not this particular progressive:

Towards the close of his nearly one hour speech, Pastor Warren asked his followers to be as committed to Jesus as the young Nazi men and women who spelled out in mass formation with their bodies the words “Hitler, we are yours,” in 1939 at the Munich Stadium, were committed to the Führer of the Third Reich, a major instigator of a World War that claimed 55 million lives….

Though Warren’s speech was in the idiom of Christianity, he did not seek to inspire his Saddleback audience with examples of great religious leaders who have changed history through persuasion or other nonviolent approaches. Rick Warren looked to 20th century exemplars of vision and dedication but not to Mohatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, or any other religious leaders.

Pfft.  What did King or Gandhi ever conquer?  As you will see, this question is less facetious than it sounds.

With more than a hint of admiration in his voice, pastor Warren described how in 1939 in a packed Munich Stadium before the leader of the Third Reich, young brown-shirted men and women spelled out in formation, with their bodies, words in German which read “Hitler, we are yours.”

“And they nearly took the world, ” pastor Rick told the stadium crowd. He moved on to quote another inspirational example from the 20th Century, Lenin, who said ‘give me 100 committed, totally committed men and I’ll change the world.’ Once again Warren observed, “They nearly did.”

Having cited dedication and zeal of young Nazis and the efficacy of Bolshevik Revolutionaries, Warren moved on to describe how the sayings of Chairman Mao, printed up in the “Little Red Book”, had helped propel the revolutionary fervor of the Chinese Red Guard who had carried out the violent, anarchic revolutionary spasm known as the Cultural Revolution.

Nazi Germany, the Soviet Union, and Communist China, great success stories all.  It just doesn’t get much more inspirational than that, does it?

With those examples fresh in his audiences mind, Rick Warren instructed the crowd of his thirty thousand to hold up pre-printed signs, within their programs, white letters against a red background, that said “Whatever it takes.”

Looking out at the crowd Warren enthused, “I’m looking at a stadium full of people who are saying, ‘whatever it takes, God’.

I’m surprised he didn’t invoke Malcolm “By any means necessary” X.  Not evil or crazy enough, I guess.  Plus that whole not-conquering-anybody thing (yes, I’m getting to that).

As Warren explained to a Dallas gathering of 12,000 Baptists, charismatic and nondenominational evangelicals in May of 2005, “spiritual emptiness” is an acute disorder characterized by aimlessness, fear and lack of purpose, afflicting non-Christians, that arises in the absence of a personal relationship with Jesus; “Billions of people live without Jesus Christ. Billions of people don’t know God has a purpose for their life,” Warren told his Dallas audience. “Egocentric leadership”, the second greatest cause of world problems according to Rick Warren, is due to a lack of ‘servant leaders’ who model their behavior after Jesus.

Yes, good thing we don’t have that problem in a Christian nation like the good ol’ U.S. of A.

Having defined the paramount world problems as, in essence, the fact that evangelicalism has not fully converted everyone on Earth into Christians, Rick Warren’s P.E.A.C.E. plan squarely addresses that dire need — for the Christian belief system to envelope the globe.

During his Anaheim speech, Warren revealed that he’d received a message from God to seek more influence, power and fame. God, Warren narrated, led him to Psalm 72, “Solomon’s prayer for more influence… in Psalm 72 [Solomon] says ‘God, I want you to make me more influential. God, I want you to give me more power. I want you to bless my life more. God, I want you to spread the fame of my name through other countries.'”

…But he only wants God to enrich his life for our benefit, so he can take over the world and make it a better place.  This is where Hitler and Mao had it all right, and King and Gandhi had it all wrong.  After all, the only way to change the world is by ruling it, right?

(It took all my willpower not to title this “Jesus Is Just All Reich With Me,” but I felt that it didn’t quite capture the depth of Warren’s idiocy and insanity.)

1 comment January 15th, 2009 at 07:50pm Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Religion,Republicans

Meet The Robinsons

Once again, Obama turns to a Eugene Robinson to try to salvage the situation.  First he invited openly gay bishop Gene Robinson to deliver an opening prayer at an inauguration pre-event after getting savaged for choosing homophobic bigot Rick Warren to deliver the invocation, and now he turns to liberal WaPo columnist Eugene Robinson as part of his counterbalance to his dinner with conservative pundits:

Obama held a meeting with several columnists and liberal commentators this morning, following up on last night’s dinner with conservative writers, according to sources with knowledge of the meeting.

The group included the Washington Post’s E.J. Dionne and Eugene Robinson, the Wall Street Journal’s Gerry Seib, National Journal’s Ron Brownstein, the New York Times Frank Rich and Maureen Dowd, The Atlantic’s Andrew Sullivan, and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, among others.

Some of the writers there today are clearly on the liberal side, while others more moderate. Regardless, it’s still quite a contrast from yesterday’s dinner companions: George Will, Bill Kristol, David Brooks, Charles Krauthammer, Peggy Noonan, and Paul Gigot.

It’s interesting that Sullivan — author of “The Conservative Soul” — was invited along with the more liberal wing of the chattering class. Perhaps his Palin-bashing during the campaign wouldn’t have gone over well with the righties.

Today’s meeting was held at the transition headquarters, and lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes. All the participants sat at a long conference table. Unlike dinner at Will’s house, there weren’t refreshments.

“It was a pretty intense back and forth about a lot of stuff,” said one attendee, declining to get into specifics, since the meeting was off the record.

Well, I’m glad Obama’s meeting with some progressives, although it’s not nearly as progressive a roster as the previous meeting’s was conservative (Andrew Sullivan? MoDo?), it only lasted half as long, and there was no food.  But hey, who’s counting?  Besides, it’s not like progressives are anywhere near as important as conservatives, right?

1 comment January 15th, 2009 at 07:24am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Obama,Politics

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