Thursday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

January 15th, 2009at 09:34pm Posted by Eli

I just couldn’t wait until next Wednesday, this stuff is just too good.

First off, Weekly World News scoops the world (as usual) on the recovery of the missing White House e-mails:

Aug 30, 2005
From: George W <executivecowboy@yahoo.com>
To:   Turdblossom <rcheney@whitehouse.gov>
Subj: Emergency

Do you know where the remote is?  The game is on later and I haven’t set it up to record.  The last place I saw it was in the Gameday remote cozy on the armchair, but I think Karl may have moved it.  Could you call in one of those tech guys?  Secret Service says they’re not allowed to help me look.

Mar 20, 2003
From: George W <executivecowboy@yahoo.com>
To:   Colon Power! <colin.powell@statedepartment.gov>
Subj: Mtg Today

Is it true what they say about turkey making you tired?  Cause I’m thinking of ordering some turkey sandwiches, but I don’t want to look tired talking to the press later.

Apr 16, 2003
From: George W <executivecowboy@yahoo.com>
To:   Mike The Spy <MHagler@cia.gov>
Subj: Presidential Security

As Director of the CIA, are you the guy I’d talk to about learning how to use throwing stars?

Nov 25, 2004
From: George W <executivecowboy@yahoo.com>
To:   Turdblossom <rcheney@whitehouse.gov>
Subj: Executive Discretion

Did I do anything stupid last night?  I only remember the first half of the luau, everything else is a blur and now I can’t find my pants.  If Laura asks, tell her I’m in a budget meeting.

Feb 6, 2008
From: George W <executivecowboy@yahoo.com>
To:    Hutch <grant.hutchinson@whitehouse.buildingservices.gov>
Subj: Pool

Could we get a slide put on the White House pool?  Or a wave machine?  Or is this something we should think about for Camp David?  I think it could really help break the ice with visiting dignitaries or heads of state.

I’m a little surprised about the identity of “Turdblossom”…

But enough about the old president, what about the new one?

In a stunning response to the passing of Ricardo Montalban, Barack Obama has announced last-minute changes to his upcoming inauguration.

Obama revealed today that he would immediately scrap all Abraham Lincoln references at his inauguration and instead would deliver a new theme of “Fantasy Inauguration”. In adhering to this theme, Obama will be clad for all inaugural festivities in the white-tie popularized by Montalban in his role as Mr. Roarke on the long-running television series. Obama also made the shocking announcement that his half-man half-bat half-brother Obatma would attend the inauguration and serve as his Tattoo.

Obama’s official announcement paid tribute to Montalban and his legacy. The announcement also took many by surprise in Washington.

Obama explained, “Abraham Lincoln was a great man, but Ricardo Montalban and the work he did on Fantasy Island holds far greater personal meaning to me. The opening scenes of the show were even filmed in my childhood state of Hawaii.”

He continued,  “America is a place, like Fantasy Island, where your dreams can come true. Sure, there is a price for making those dreams happen. That price is what we call ‘taxes’. My job as President, much like Mr. Roarke’s job on ‘Fantasy Island’, is making sure you get your money’s worth in making your dreams happen. Think of me as the new Mr. Roarke. The man who is going to make your dreams come true. This is truly America’s Fantasy Inauguration”.

I would have preferred a Prisoner inauguration, but I guess that would be kind of confusing and offputting to most people…

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News


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