Archive for April 15th, 2009

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging – Tea Party Edition

Tea Party national event coordinator offers helpful organizing hints:

“While there is no right way to stage a tea party protest, there are many things you can do to ensure a successful event,” Kramer said.  “You can’t do this alone and you must be organized.  You may want to think about holding an organizational planning meeting with other people.”

With the number of interested people growing into the dozens nationwide, Kramer decided to take a more active role in helping smaller Tea Parties with the necessary tools for staging the protest.

“I have received at least two e-mails from supporters asking for an official Tea Party recipe to make sure their event is up to the standards of the national movement.  And as I said earlier, there is no one recipe we are endorsing, as each Tea Party should be brewed to the tastes of the local constituency, I will share the recipe being used for the National Event in  Sacramento, California.”

Obtained from an anonymous source on the groups email list, the Tea Party recipe shared by Kramer with supporters is printed below in its unedited entirety.

1 fat guy with a megaphone
11 frothing-at-the-mouth fiscal conservatives
14 vaguely colonial costumes, powdered wigs encouraged, but not required
3 out-of-place black guys
7 confused elderly women
6 misspelled signs
1 self-loathing homosexual
23 textbooks featuring evolution, the New Deal or the moon landing (to be used as kindling)
1 effigy of FDR
1 vague message about fiscal responsibility muddled by decries of Socialism in government


Oversized tea bags w/dollar signs printed on the side
Up to 1 trillion dollars in small bills to fill the tea bags
As many tea pots or large cauldrons as needed to serve protesters, spectators and the press

Mix all the ingredients in the tea bags, set fire to the text books to bring water to boil, steep the mixture in the water for 8 years or until the Republican party takes control of the House and/or Senate.

And as a special wingnutty bonus… Glenn Beck’s comedy tour!

For six weeks in Denver, Glenn Beck will mix observational humor with political opinion, all with this trademark soothsaying of Armageddon and emotional instability.

Beck, who has no history with comedy whatsoever, describes his coming performances as a mix of Thomas Paine’s Common Sense with “a poor man’s Seinfeld.”

A publicity clip of Beck trying out his material in a New York nightclub includes the following excerpt.

“Did you ever notice how the Obama administration is steering us directly towards the coming apocalypse? [Some laughter] I said, did you ever notice?!  I’m asking you a question, people!  The end of times are neigh and we’re being walked right to it by a secret Muslim who has never said he’s NOT the Antichrist, and you don’t even care!! [Audible sobbing] But I care.  I care for my country… So.  Much.  (Loud sigh) I just love my country too much.”

During the four-minute clip, Beck cries 3 times and throws a chair at someone towards the end.  He will be opening at Chuckleheads in Denver on June 1st.

This is actually not entirely made up.

April 15th, 2009 at 11:31am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Republicans,Wankers,Weekly World News

Rush Discovers Compassion For Evildoers

Hey, remember when Rush was mocking concerns about prisoner treatment at Gitmo and claiming that we were treating them too well?  Looks like he has a totally different outlook towards bad guys that Obama acts against:

You know what we have learned about the Somali pirates, the merchant marine organizers that were wiped out at the order of Barack Obama, you know what we learned about them?  They were teenagers.  The Somali pirates, the merchant marine organizers who took a US merchant captain hostage for five days were inexperienced youths, the defense secretary, Roberts Gates, said yesterday, adding that the hijackers were between 17 and 19 years old.  Now, just imagine the hue and cry had a Republican president ordered the shooting of black teenagers on the high seas.  Greetings and welcome back, Rush Limbaugh, the Excellence in Broadcasting Network and the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies.

They were kids.  The story is out, I don’t know if it’s true or not, but apparently the hijackers, these kids, the merchant marine organizers, Muslim kids, were upset, they wanted to just give the captain back and head home because they were running out of food, they were running out of fuel, they were surrounded by all these US Navy ships, big ships, and they just wanted out of there.  That’s the story, but then when one of them put a gun to the back of the captain, Mr. Phillips, then bam, bam, bam.  There you have it, and three teenagers shot on the high seas at the order of President Obama.

So, to sum up: Guilty, possibly teenage Muslims killed at Obama’s order is heartless and bad.  Innocent, definitely teenage Muslims illegally imprisoned and tortured at Bush’s order is Teh Awesome.

Is it that the pirates so perfectly embody the modern conservative might-makes-right/take-what-you-want ethos, or is it that Rush so desperately wants Obama to fail that he’s rooting for pirates now?

I predict that if American troops find and kill bin Laden during Obama’s term, Rush will suddenly become the world’s biggest advocate for due process.

UPDATE: Ah. I am informed that Rush was apparently deploying “irony”. I was wondering about that.

He still can’t stand the fact that Obama was able to pull the trigger and do something tough, even if it was kind of a no-brainer.

April 15th, 2009 at 07:10am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Media,Obama,Prisoners,Republicans,Terrorism,Torture,Wankers

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