Archive for May 13th, 2009

Wednesday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

Handy, practical advice on how to sell your soul:

You can have power, wealth, an attractive mate and virtually anything else you ever dreamed of – by selling your soul to Satan! But how?

You must know what you’re doing when you make the deal or Satan will cheat you blind. That’s the word from Dr. Rex Touth, expert on satanic rituals and author of How to Negotiate Unholy Contracts.

(…)

Here are some tips from Dr. Touth on how you can take advantage of the same opportunity:

  1. SET THE DEAL UP PROPERLY. There’s a right and wrong way to make contact with the Devil. The right way is to be alone in your room, close your eyes and say, “Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right.” It may take dozens, even hundreds of tries but at all costs, avoid sounding desperate or needy. He’ll show up eventually.
  2. DEAL FROM A POSITION OF POWER. By far the biggest mistake people make is to underestimate how badly Satan wants their soul. It’s like precious gold to him and he’ll pay anything to get it. When he appears, get him to make the first offer, then up it.
  3. GET THE ABSOLUTE BEST. Remember, you’re going to burn in Hell forever. So no matter how badly off you are now, demand the best. For instance, even if you feel unlovable and desperate with loneliness, don’t just say, “I want the most gorgeous woman on earth and I want her to be madly in love with me.” Instead, add, “In fact, throw in 100 other women as well so I can pick and choose according to my mood.”
  4. REMEMBER TO DEMAND THE LIFE-EXTENSION CLAUSE. Satan won’t tell you if you don’t ask but you can get a guarantee of 300 years of youthful life before you go to eternal damnation. Why enjoy a mere 75 or 80 years of reckless living when you can get 300?

(…)

Dr. Touth says we should all be aware of the facts so we can make an informed decision. “It’s your soul,” he says. “Do what you want with it.”

Can I wish for more wishes?

1 comment May 13th, 2009 at 11:28am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Weekly World News

Victory For Bullshit

This is very discouraging:

As Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) moves to ease a backlog of executive branch nominations, he suggested on Tuesday that he does not have the votes to bring up President Barack Obama’s pick to run the Department of Justice’s Office of Legal Counsel.

“Right now we’re finding out when to do that,” Reid said, responding to a question about the status of Indiana University law professor Dawn Johnsen’s nomination to the Justice post. “We need a couple Republican votes until we can get to 60.”

Johnsen has come under fire from some social conservatives, who have voiced concerns over her positions on abortion and the war on terror.

(…)

Reid indicated Tuesday that at least a few Democrats would also oppose Johnsen, making the task of reaching 60 votes to avert a Republican filibuster even more difficult.

Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.) “is very concerned” about Johnsen’s nomination, press secretary Clay Westrope said, pointing to her tenure as the legal director of NARAL Pro-Choice America as a point of concern.

Sen. Arlen Specter (Pa.), who recently joined the Democratic Conference after 29 years as a Republican Senator, has stated that he will vote against Johnsen’s nomination when it hits the floor.

I can’t believe this is actually happening.  Johnsen is ridiculously qualified for a job where pro-choice views are barely relevant, and even if they were, she would certainly be a lot better at  keeping ideology out of the OLC’s rulings than any of her Bush-era predecessors that no-one had a problem confirming.

And if she’s anti-torture, well, isn’t the OLC supposed to be against stuff that’s illegal?  Isn’t that the whole point?

This will be a truly ignominious failure for Reid and Obama if they can’t get Johnsen confirmed, and a very disturbing precedent for future appointees – including judges.

May 13th, 2009 at 07:21am Posted by Eli

Entry Filed under: Choice,Democrats,Obama,Politics,Republicans,Torture,Wankers


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