Thursday Why-I-Love-The-Weekly-World-News Blogging

1 comment June 25th, 2009at 08:38pm Posted by Eli

sanford_mistress

Once again, the Weekly World News scoops everybody:

Weekly World News reporters have tracked down Governor Sanford’s Sasquatch lover for an exclusive interview.

(…)

While the Governor has come forward admitting to having an affair, he has attempted to protect the identity of his lover.  However the Weekly World News team has tracked down the cryptid home-wrecker.

Maria, an eastern ridgeback Sasquatch, agreed to meet with reporters in a hotel room near her home.  Though she cannot speak, she was able to communicate through descriptive grunts and an interpreter.

The two apparently met while Sanford was out hunting with other conservative lawmakers.  Sanford snuck up on her in a blind and from the first time their eyes met they knew there was a connection that spanned cultures, language, and species.  Sanford left his hunting party almost immediately and spent the rest of the weekend in her cave.

Since that fateful trip five years ago, the two have maintained their affair, seeing each other whenever possible.  Mary admits it was not an ideal situation, but the two felt compelled by a love that was larger than themselves.  Mary kept in contact with the Governor mostly through email, and frequented the same nearby internet café.  Transcripts of their emails are included below:

From Governor Sanford.  June 8th, 2008

Dearest Maria.  Tomorrow I leave Carolina for those wretched Bahamas.  Wretched because they take me even farther away from you.  Each morning when I awake to the sounds of tropical beaches, I will be thinking of you: the feel of your kisses, the curve of your hips, the downy softness of your pelt.  Though my mind and the great state of South Carolina pull me elsewhere, my heart is always in a cave with you.

My Eternal Love,
Marky Warky

From Maria.  June 7th, 2008

To my Dearest Mark.  It seems like an eternity since I have held you in my arms, although I know it has only been days.  Your scent lingers in my fur, and that gives me comfort.  I can’t bring myself to bathe in the river and wash it away, not yet.  Until fate brings us together again, my heart and my body hunger for you.

Eternally yours,
Maria

Truly a touching tale of a doomed love that could never be.

Entry Filed under: Corruption/Cronyism,Republicans,Weekly World News

1 Comment

  • 1. Charles  |  June 26th, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Aha! I knew the Neanderthals had something to do with the alien thing. I bet we’ll find out that Marky Warky loves egg yolks and is obsessively clean.


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